THE RIVALS

A COMEDY


By Richard Brinsley Sheridan


Preface

A preface to a play seems generally to be considered as a kind of closet-
prologue, in which - if his piece has been successful - the author solicits 
that indulgence from the reader which he had before experienced from the 
audience: but as the scope and immediate object of a play is to please a 
mixed assembly in the representation (whose judgment in the theatre at 
least is decisive), its degree of reputation is usually as determined by 
the public, before it can be prepared for the cooler tribunal of the study. 
Thus any further solicitude on the part of the writer becomes unnecessary 
at least, if not an intrusion: and if the piece has been condemned in the 
performance, I fear an address to the closet, like an appeal to posterity, 
is constantly regarded as the procrastination of a suit, from a 
consciousness of the weakness of the cause. From these considerations, the 
following comedy would certainly have been submitted to the reader, without 
any further introduction than what it had in the representation, but that 
its success has probably been founded on a circumstance which the author is 
informed has not before attended a theatrical trial, and which consequently 
ought not to pass unnoticed.
I need scarcely add, that the circumstance alluded to was the withdrawing 
of the piece, to remove those imperfections in the first representation 
which were too obvious to escape reprehension, and too numerous to admit of 
a hasty correction. There are few writers, I believe, who, even in the 
fullest consciousness of error, do not wish to palliate the faults which 
they acknowledge; and, however trifling the performance, to second their 
confession of its deficiencies, by whatever plea seems least disgraceful to 
their ability. In the present instance, it cannot be said to amount either 
to candour or modesty in me, to acknowledge an extreme inexperience and 
want of judgment on matters, in which, without guidance from practice, or 
spur from success, a young man should scarcely boast of being an adept. If 
it be said that under such disadvantages no one should attempt to write a 
play, I must beg leave to dissent from the position, while the first point 
of experience that I have gained on the subject is, a knowledge of the 
candour and judgment with which an impartial public distinguishes between 
the errors of inexperience and incapacity, and the indulgence which it 
shows even to a disposition to remedy the defects of either.
It were unnecessary to enter into any further extenuation of what was 
thought exceptionable in this play, but that it has been said, that the 
managers should have prevented some of the defects before its appearance to 
the public - and in particular the uncommon length of the piece as 
represented the first night. It were an ill return for the most liberal and 
gentlemanly conduct on their side, to suffer any censure to rest where none 
was deserved. Hurry in writing has long been exploded as an excuse for an 
author; - however, in the dramatic line, it may happen, that both an author 
and a manager may wish to fill a chasm in the entertamment of the public 
with a hastiness not altogether culpable. The season was advanced when I 
first put the play into Mr Harris's hands: it was at that time at least 
double the length of any acting comedy. I profited by his judgment and 
experience in the curtailing of it - till, I believe, his feeling for the 
vanity of a young author got the better of his desire for correctness, and 
he left many excrescences remaining, because he had assisted in pruning so 
many more. Hence, though I was not uninformed that the acts were still too 
long, I flattered myself that, after the first trial, I might with safer 
judgment proceed to remove what should appear to have been most 
dissatisfactory. Many other errors there were, which might in part have 
arisen from my being by no means conversant with plays in general, either 
in reading or at the theatre. Yet I own that, in one respect, I did not 
regret my ignorance: for as my first wish in attempting a play was to avoid 
every appearance of plagiary, I thought I should stand a better chance of 
effecting this from being in a walk which I had not frequented, and where, 
consequently, the progress of invention was less likely to be interrupted 
by starts of recollection: for on subjects on which the mind has been much 
informed, invention is slow of exerting itself. Faded ideas float in the 
fancy like half-forgotten dreams; and the imagination in its fullest 
enjoyments becomes suspicious of its offspring, and doubts whether it has 
created or adopted.
With regard to some particular passages which on the first night's 
representation seemed generally disliked, I confess that if I felt any 
emotion of surprise at the disapprobation, it was not that they were 
disapproved of, but that I had not before perceived that they deserved it. 
As some part of the attack on the piece was begun too early to pass for the 
sentence of judgment, which is ever tardy in condemning, it has been 
suggested to me that much of the disapprobation must have arisen from 
virulence of malice, rather than severity of criticism: but as I was more 
apprehensive of there being just grounds to excite the latter than 
conscious of having deserved the former, I continue not to believe that 
probable, which I am sure must have been unprovoked. However, if it was so, 
and I could even mark the quarter from whence it came, it would be 
ungenerous to retort; for no passion suffers more than malice from 
disappointment. For my own part, I see no reason why the author of a play 
should not regard a first night's audience as a candid and judicious friend 
attending, in behalf of the public, at his last rehearsal. If he can 
dispense with flattery, he is sure at least of sincerity, and even though 
the annotation be rude, he may rely upon the justness of the comment. 
Considered in this light, that audience, whose fiat is essential to the 
poet's claim, whether his object be fame or profit, has surely a right to 
expect some deference to its opinion, from principles of politeness at 
least, if not from gratitude.
As for the little puny critics, who scatter their peevish strictures in 
private circles, and scribble at every author who has the eminence of being 
unconnected with them, as they are usually spleen-swollen from a vain idea 
of increasing their consequence, there will always be found a petulance and 
illiberality in their remarks, which should place them as far beneath the 
notice of a gentleman as their original dullness had sunk them from the 
level of the most unsuccessful author.
It is not without pleasure that I catch at an opportunity of justifying 
myself from the charge of intending any national reflection in the 
character of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. If any gentlemen opposed the piece from 
that idea, I thank them sincerely for their opposition; and if the 
condemnation of this comedy (however misconceived the provocation) could 
have added one spark to the decaying flame of national attachment to the 
country supposed to be reflected on, I should have been happy in its fate, 
and might with truth have boasted that it had done more real service in its 
failure than the successful morality of a thousand stage-novels will ever 
effect.
It is usual, I believe, to thank the performers in a new play for the 
exertion of their several abilities. But where (as in this instance) their 
merit has been so striking and uncontroverted as to call for the warmest 
and truest applause from a number of judicious audiences, the poet's after-
praise comes like the feeble acclamation of a child to close the shouts of 
a multitude. The conduct, however, of the principals in a theatre cannot be 
so apparent to the public. I think it therefore but justice to declare, 
that from this theatre (the only one I can speak of from experience) those 
writers who wish to try the dramatic line will meet with that candour and 
liberal attention which are generally allowed to be better calculated to 
lead genius into excellence than either the precepts of judgment or the 
guidance of experience.

THE AUTHOR



Dramatis Personae

SIR ANTHONY Absolute
Captain ABSOLUTE
FAULKLAND
ACRES
SIR LUCIUS O'Trigger
FAG
DAVID
THOMAS
MRS MALAPROP
LYDIA Languish
JULIA
LUCY

MAID, BOY, Servants, etc.


Scene - Bath

Time of Action - Five Hours




Prologue

By the Author

SPOKEN BY MR. WOODWARD AND MR. QUICK

Enter SERJEANT-AT-LAW, and ATTORNEY following, and giving a paper.


Serjeant	What's here! - a vile cramp hand! I cannot see
Without my spectacles.

Attorney	He means his fee. Nay, Mr. Serjeant, good sir, try again.

Gives money.

Serjeant	The scrawl improves!

[more]

									O come, 'tis pretty plain.
Hey! how's this? Dibble! - sure it cannot be!
A poet's brief! a poet and a fee!

Attorney	Yes, sir! though you without reward, I know,
Would gladly plead the Muse's cause.

Serjeant														So! - So!

Attorney	And if the fee offends, your wrath should fall
On me.

Serjeant					Dear Dibble, no offence at all.

Attorney	Some sons of Phoebus in the courts we meet,

Serjeant	And fifty sons of Phoebus in the Fleet!

Attorney	Nor pleads he worse, who with a decent sprig
Of bays adorns his legal waste of wig.

Serjeant	Full-bottomed heroes thus, on signs, unfurl
A leaf of laurel in a grove of curl!
Yet tell your client, that, in adverse days,
This wig is warmer than a bush of bays.

Attorney	Do you, then, sir, my client's place supply,
Profuse of robe, and prodigal of tie -
Do you, with all those blushing powers of face,
And wonted bashful hesitating grace,
Rise in the court and flourish on the case.

Exit.

Serjeant	For practice then suppose - this brief will show it, -
Me, Serjeant Woodward, - counsel for the poet.
Used to the ground, I know 'tis hard to deal
With this dread court, from whence there's no appeal;
No tricking here, to blunt the edge of law,
Or, damn'd in equity, escape by flaw:
But judgment given, your sentence must remain;
No writ of error lies - to Drury Lane!
	Yet when so kind you seem, 'tis past dispute
We gain some favour, if not costs of suit.
No spleen is here! I see no hoarded fury; -
I think I never faced a milder jury!
Sad else our plight! where frowns are transportation,
A hiss the gallows, and a groan damnation!
But such the public candour, without fear
My client waives all right of challenge here.
No newsman from our session is dismiss'd,
Nor wit nor critic we scratch off the list;
His faults can never hurt another's ease,
His crime, at worst, a bad attempt to please:
Thus, all respecting, he appeals to all,
And by the general voice will stand or fall.


Prologue

By the Author

SPOKEN ON THE TENTH NIGHT, BY MRS. BULKLEY

Granted our cause, our suit and trial o'er,
The worthy serjeant need appear no more:
In pleasing I a different client choose,
He served the Poet - I would serve the Muse.
Like him, I'll try to merit your applause,
A female counsel in a female's cause.
	Look on this form,

[pointing to the figure of Comedy.]

								- where humour, quaint and sly,
Dimples the cheek, and points the beaming eye;
Where gay invention seems to boast its wiles
In amorous hint, and half-triumphant smiles;
While her light masks or covers satire's strokes,
Or hides the conscious blush her wit provokes.
Look on her well - does she seem form'd to teach?
Should you expect to hear this lady preach?
Is grey experience suited to her youth?
Do solemn sentiments become that mouth?
Bid her be grave, those lips should rebel prove
To every theme that slanders mirth or love.
	Yet, thus adorn'd with every graceful art
To charm the fancy and yet reach the heart -
Must we displace her, and instead advance
The goddess of the woful countenance -
The sentimental Muse? - Her emblems view,
The Pilgrim's Progress, and a sprig of rue!
View her - too chaste to look like flesh and blood -
Primly portray'd on emblematic wood!
There, fix'd in usurpation, should she stand,
She'll snatch the dagger from her sister's hand:
And having made her votaries weep a flood,
Good heaven! she'll end her comedies in blood -
Bid Harry Woodward break poor Dunstal's crown,
Imprison Quick, and knock Ned Shuter down;
While sad Barsanti, weeping o'er the scene,
Shall stab herself - or poison Mrs. Green.
	Such dire encroachments to prevent in time,
Demands the critic's voice - the poet's rhyme.
Can our light scenes add strength to holy laws!
Such puny patronage but hurts the cause:
Fair virtue scorns our feeble aid to ask;
And moral truth disdains the trickster's mask.
For here their favourite stands,

[pointing to figure of Tragedy.]

												whose brow, severe
And sad, claims youth's respect, and pity's tear;
Who, when oppress'd by foes her worth creates,
Can point a poniard at the guilt she hates.



Act 1

Scene 1: A Street.

Enter THOMAS; he crosses the Stage; FAG follows, looking after him.


Fag	What! Thomas! Sure 'tis he? - What! Thomas! Thomas!

Thomas	Hey! - Odd's life! Mr. Fag! - give us your hand, my old fellow-
servant.

Fag	Excuse my glove, Thomas: - I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad. Why, 
my prince of charioteers, you look as hearty! - but who the deuce thought 
of seeing you in Bath?

Thomas	Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postilion, be 
all come.

Fag	Indeed!

Thomas	Ay, master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a 
visit; so he'd a mind to gi't the slip, and whip! we were all off at an 
hour's warning.

Fag	Ay, ay, hasty in everything, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute!

Thomas	But tell us, Mr. Fag, how does young master? Odd! Sir Anthony will 
stare to see the captain here!

Fag	I do not serve Captain Absolute now.

Thomas	Why sure!

Fag	At present I am employed by Ensign Beverley.

Thomas	I doubt, Mr. Fag, you ha'n't changed for the better.

Fag	I have not changed, Thomas.

Thomas	No! Why didn't you say you had left young master?

Fag	No. - Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no farther: - briefly then 
- Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person.

Thomas	The devil they are!

Fag	So it is indeed, Thomas; and the ensign half of my master being on 
guard at present - the captain has nothing to do with me.

Thomas	So, so! - What, this is some freak, I warrant! - Do tell us, Mr. 
Fag, the meaning o't - you know I ha' trusted you.

Fag	You'll be secret, Thomas?

Thomas	As a coach-horse.

Fag	Why then the cause of all this is - Love, - Love, Thomas, who (as you 
may get read to you) has been a masquerader ever since the days of Jupiter.

Thomas	Ay, ay; - I guessed there was a lady in the case: - but pray, why 
does your master pass only for an ensign? - Now if he had shammed general 
indeed -

Fag	Ah! Thomas, there lies the mystery o' the matter. Hark'ee, Thomas, my 
master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste: a lady who likes 
him better as a halfpay ensign than if she knew he was son and heir to Sir 
Anthony Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a year.

Thomas	That is an odd taste indeed! - But has she got the stuff, Mr. Fag? 
Is she rich, hey?

Fag	Rich! - Why, I believe she owns half the stocks! Zounds! Thomas, she 
could pay the national debt as easily as I could my washerwoman! She has a 
lap-dog that eats out of gold, - she feeds her parrot with small pearls, - 
and all her thread-papers are made of banknotes!

Thomas	Bravo, faith! - Odd! I warrant she has a set of thousands at least: 
- but does she draw kindly with the captain?

Fag	As fond as pigeons.

Thomas	May one hear her name?

Fag	Miss Lydia Languish. - But there is an old tough aunt in the way; 
though, by-the-by, she has never seen my master - for we got acquainted 
with miss while on a visit in Gloucestershire.

Thomas	Well - I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony. - But 
pray, Mr. Fag, what kind of a place is this Bath? - I ha' heard a deal of 
it - here's a mort o' merry-making, hey?

Fag	Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well - 'tis a good lounge; in the morning 
we go to the pump-room (though neither my master nor I drink the waters); 
after breakfast we saunter on the parades, or play a game at billiards; at 
night we dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular hours 
stupefy me - not a fiddle nor a card after eleven! - However Mr. 
Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private parties; - I'll 
introduce you there, Thomas - you'll like him much.

Thomas	Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne - you know his master is to marry Madam 
Julia.

Fag	I had forgot. - But, Thomas, you must polish a little - indeed you 
must. - Here now - this wig! What the devil do you do with a wig, Thomas? - 
None of the London whips of any degree of ton wear wigs now.

Thomas	More 's the pity! I more 's the pity! I say. - Odd's life! when I 
heard how the lawyers and doctors had took to their own hair, I thought how 
'twould go next: - Odd rabbit it! when the fashion had got foot on the bar, 
I guessed 'twould mount to the box! - but 'tis all out of character, 
believe me, Mr. Fag: and look'ee, I'll never gi' up mine - the lawyers and 
doctors may do as they will.

Fag	Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about that.

Thomas	Why, bless you, the gentlemen of the professions ben't all of a mind 
- for in our village now, tho'ff Jack Gauge, the exciseman, has ta'en to 
his carrots, there's little Dick the farrier swears he'll never forsake his 
bob, though all the college should appear with their own heads!

Fag	Indeed! well said, Dick! - but hold - mark! mark! Thomas.

Thomas	Zooks! 'tis the captain. - Is that the Lady with him?

Fag	No, no, that is Madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid. They lodge at 
that house - but I must after him to tell him the news.

Thomas	Odd! he's given her money! - Well, Mr. Fag -

Fag	Good-bye, Thomas. I have an appointment in Gyde's porch this evening at 
eight; meet me there, and we'll make a little party.

Exeunt severally.



Scene 2: A Dressing-room in MRS. MALAPROP's Lodgings.

LYDIA sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand. LUCY, as just returned 
from a message.

Lucy	Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it! I don't 
believe there's a circulating library in Bath I han't been at.

Lydia	And could not you get The Reward of Constancy?

Lucy	No, indeed, ma'am.

Lydia	Nor The Fatal Connexion?

Lucy	No, indeed, ma'am.

Lydia	Nor The Mistakes of the Heart?

Lucy	Ma'am, as ill-luck would have it, Mr. Bull said Miss Sukey Saunter had 
just fetched it away.

Lydia	Heigh-ho! Did you inquire for The Delicate Distress?

Lucy	Or The Memoirs of Lady Woodford? Yes, indeed, ma'am. I asked 
everywhere for it; and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, but 
Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent it home, had so soiled and dog's-
eared it, it wa'n't fit for a Christian to read.

Lydia	Heigh-ho! Yes, I always know when Lady Slattern has been before me. 
She has a most observing thumb; and, I believe, cherishes her nails for the 
convenience of making marginal notes. - Well, child, what have you brought 
me?

Lucy	Oh! here, ma'am. - [Taking books from under her cloak and from her 
pockets.] This is The Gordian Knot, - and this Peregrine Pickle. Here are 
The Tears of Sensibility, and Humphrey Clinker. This is The Memoirs of a 
Lady of Quality, written by Herself, and here the second volume of The 
Sentimental Journey.

Lydia	Heigh-ho! - What are those books by the glass?

Lucy	The great one is only The Whole Duty of Man, where I press a few 
blondes, ma'am.

Lydia	Very well - give me the sal volatile.

Lucy	Is it in a blue cover, ma'am?

Lydia	My smelling-bottle, you simpleton!

Lucy	Oh, the drops - here, ma'am.

Lydia	Hold! - here's someone coming - quick! see who it is.

Exit LUCY.

Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice.

Re-enter LUCY.

Lucy	Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville.

Lydia	Is it possible?

Exit LUCY.

Enter JULIA.

Lydia	My dearest Julia, how delighted am I! - [Embrace.] How unexpected was 
this happiness!

Julia	True, Lydia - and our pleasure is the greater. - But what has been 
the matter? - you were denied to me at first!

Lydia	Ah, Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you! - But first inform 
me what has conjured you to Bath? - Is Sir Anthony here?

Julia	He is - we are arrived within this hour - and I suppose he will be 
here to wait on Mrs. Malaprop as soon as he is dressed.

Lydia	Then before we are interrupted, let me impart to you some of my 
distress! - I know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though your 
prudence may condemn me! My letters have informed you of my whole 
connection with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia! My aunt has 
discovered our intercourse by a note she intercepted, and has confined me 
ever since! Yet, would you believe it? she has absolutely fallen in love 
with a tall Irish baronet she met one night since she has been here, at 
Lady Macshuffle's rout.

Julia	You jest, Lydia!

Lydia	No, upon my word. - She really carries on a kind of correspondence 
with him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to him: 
but it is a Delia or a Celia, I assure you.

Julia	Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece.

Lydia	Quite the contrary. Since she has discovered her own frailty, she is 
become more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another plague! 
That odious Acres is to be in Bath today: so that I protest I shall be 
teased out of all spirits!

Julia	Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best - Sir Anthony shall use his 
interest with Mrs. Malaprop.

Lydia	But you have not heard the worst. Unfortunately I had quarrelled with 
my poor Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have not 
seen him since to make it up.

Julia	What was his offence?

Lydia	Nothing at all! But, I don't know how it was, as often as we had been 
together, we had never had a quarrel, and, somehow, I was afraid he would 
never give me an opportunity. So, last Thursday, I wrote a letter to 
myself, to inform myself that Beverley was at that time paying his 
addresses to another woman. I signed it your friend unknown, showed it to 
Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, 
and vowed I'd never see him more.

Julia	And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since?

Lydia	'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out. I intended only to 
have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for ever.

Julia	If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, 
he will never give you up so. Yet, consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but 
an ensign, and you have thirty thousand pounds.

Lydia	But you know I loose most of my fortune if I marry without my aunt's 
consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do, ever since 
I knew the penalty. Nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day 
for the alternative.

Julia	Nay, this is caprice!

Lydia	What, does Julia tax me with caprice? I thought her lover Faulkland 
had inured her to it.

Julia	I do not love even his faults.

Lydia	But apropos - you have sent to him, I suppose?

Julia	Not yet, upon my word - nor has he the least idea of my being in 
Bath. Sir Anthony's resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him of it.

Lydia	Well, Julia, you are your own mistress (though under the protection 
of Sir Anthony), yet have you, for this long year, been a slave to the 
caprice, the whim, the jealousy of this ungrateful Faulkland, who will ever 
delay assuming the right of a husband, while you suffer him to be equally 
imperious as a lover.

Julia	Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were contracted before my father's 
death. That, and some consequent embarrassments, have delayed what I know 
to be my Faulkland's most ardent wish. He is too generous to trifle on such 
a point - and for his character, you wrong him there, too. No, Lydia, he is 
too proud, too noble, to be jealous; if he is captious, 'tis without 
dissembling; if fretful, without rudeness. Unused to the fopperies of love, 
he is negligent of the little duties expected from a lover - but being 
unhackneyed in the passion, his affection is ardent and sincere; and as it 
engrosses his whole soul, he expects every thought and emotion of his 
mistress to move in unison with his. Yet, though his pride calls for this 
full return, his humility makes him undervalue those qualities in him which 
would entitle him to it; and not feeling why he should be loved to the 
degree he wishes, he still suspects that he is not loved enough. This 
temper, I must own, has cost me many unhappy hours; but I have learned to 
think myself his debtor, for those imperfections which arise from the 
ardour of his attachment.

Lydia	Well, I cannot blame you for defending him. But tell me candidly, 
Julia, had he never saved your life, do you think you should have been 
attached to him as you are? - Believe me, the rude blast that overset your 
boat was a prosperous gale of love to him.

Julia	Gratitude may have strengthened my attachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I 
loved him before he had preserved me; yet surely that alone were an 
obligation sufficient.

Lydia	Obligation! why a water spaniel would have done as much! - Well, I 
should never think of giving my heart to a man because he could swim.

Julia	Come, Lydia, you are too inconsiderate.

Lydia	Nay, I do but jest - What's here?

Re-enter LUCY in a hurry.

Lucy	O ma'am, here is Sir Anthony Absolute just come home with your aunt.

Lydia	They'll not come here. - Lucy, do you watch.

Exit Lucy.

Julia	Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not know I am here, and if we meet, 
he'll detain me, to show me the town. I'll take another opportunity of 
paying my respects to Mrs. Malaprop, when she shall treat me, as long as 
she chooses, with her select words so ingeniously misapplied, without being 
mispronounced.

Re-enter LUCY.

Lucy	O Lud! ma'am, they are both coming upstairs.

Lydia	Well, I'll not detain you, coz. - Adieu, my dear Julia. I'm sure you 
are in haste to send to Faulkland. - There, through my room, you'll find 
another staircase.

Julia	Adieu!

Embraces LYDIA, and exit.

Lydia	Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. Quick, quick! - Fling Peregrine 
Pickle under the toilet - throw Roderick Random into the closet - put The 
Innocent Adultery into The Whole Duty of Man - thrust Lord Aimworth under 
the sofa - cram Ovid behind the bolster - there - put The Man of Feeling 
into your pocket - so, so - now lay Mrs. Chapone in sight, and leave 
Fordyce's Sermons open on the table.

Lucy	O burn it, ma'am! the hair-dresser has torn away as far as Proper 
Pride.

Lydia	Never mind - open at Sobriety. - Fling me Lord Chesterfield's 
Letters. Now for 'em.

Exit LUCY.
Enter MRS. MALAPROP and SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.

Mrs Malaprop	There, Sir Anthony, there sits the deliberate simpleton who 
wants to disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a 
shilling.

Lydia	Madam, I thought you once -

Mrs Malaprop	You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think 
at all - thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would 
request of you is that you will promise to forget this fellow - to 
illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory.

Lydia	Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so 
easy to forget.

Mrs Malaprop	But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to 
forget, if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot 
your poor dear uncle as if he had never existed - and I thought it my duty 
so to do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories don't become a 
young woman.

Sir Anthony	Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not! 
- ay, this comes of her reading!

Lydia	What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus?

Mrs Malaprop	Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you 
know I have proof controvertible of it. - But tell me, will you promise to 
do as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing?

Lydia	Madam, I must tell you plainly that had I no preference for any one 
else, the choice you have made would be my aversion.

Mrs Malaprop	What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? 
They don't become a young woman; and you ought to know that, as both always 
wear off, 'tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. I am 
sure I hated your poor dear uncle before marriage as if he'd been a 
blackamoor - and yet, miss, you are sensible what a wife I made! - and when 
it pleased Heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed! 
But suppose we were going to give you another choice, will you promise us 
to give up this Beverley?

Lydia	Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions 
would certainly as far belie my words.

Mrs Malaprop	Take yourself to your room. You are fit company for nothing 
but your own ill-humours.

Lydia	Willingly, ma'am - I cannot change for the worse.

Exit.

Mrs Malaprop	There's a little intricate hussy for you!

Sir Anthony	It is not to be wondered at, ma'am, - all this is the natural 
consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by 
Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the black art as their alphabet!

Mrs Malaprop	Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy.

Sir Anthony	In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid 
coming forth from a circulating library! - She had a book in each hand - 
they were half-bound volumes, with marble covers! - From that moment 
guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress!

Mrs Malaprop	Those are vile places, indeed!

Sir Anthony	Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree 
of diabolical knowledge! It blossoms through the year! - and depend on it, 
Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long 
for the fruit at last.

Mrs Malaprop	Fy, fy, Sir Anthony, you surely speak laconically.

Sir Anthony	Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a 
woman know?

Mrs Malaprop	Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter 
of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes 
a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or 
Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such 
inflammatory branches of learning - neither would it be necessary for her 
to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments. - 
But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-
school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Then, sir, she 
should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; - and as she grew up, I 
would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the 
contagious countries; - but above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress 
of orthodoxy, that she might not misspell, and mispronounce words so 
shamefully as girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the 
true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have 
a woman know; - and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it.

Sir Anthony	Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further 
with you; though I must confess that you are a truly moderate and polite 
arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the question. 
But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in debate - you say you 
have no objection to my proposal?

Mrs Malaprop	None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. 
Acres, and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have 
better success.

Sir Anthony	Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a 
syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my 
head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs Malaprop	We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no 
objection on his side.

Sir Anthony	Objection! - let him object if he dare! - No, no, Mrs. 
Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My 
process was always very simple - in their younger days, 'twas "Jack do 
this;" - if he demurred, I knocked him down - and if he grumbled at that, I 
always sent him out of the room.

Mrs Malaprop	Ah, and the properest way o' my conscience! - nothing is so 
conciliating to young people as severity. - Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give 
Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's 
invocations; - and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an 
object not altogether illegible.

Sir Anthony	Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. - Well, I must 
leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter 
roundly to the girl. - Take my advice - keep a tight hand; if she rejects 
this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the 
servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't 
conceive how she'd come about.

Exit.

Mrs Malaprop	Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my 
intuition. She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius 
O'Trigger - sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me! - No, the girl is such a 
simpleton, I should have made her confess it. - Lucy! - Lucy! - [Calls.] 
Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.

Re-enter LUCY.

Lucy	Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs Malaprop	Yes, girl. - Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

Lucy	No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs Malaprop	You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned -

Lucy	Oh, gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out.

Mrs Malaprop	Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.

Lucy	No, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to 
Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy - if ever you betray what you are entrusted with 
(unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for 
ever, and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality.

Exit.

Lucy	Ha! ha! ha! - So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little 
respite. - [Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as 
they please of appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend me to 
a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it! 
- Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately. - [Looks 
at a paper.] For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away 
with an ensign! - in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve; gowns, five; 
hats, ruffles, caps, etc., etc., numberless! - From the said ensign, within 
this last month, six guineas and a half. - About a quarter's pay! - Item, 
from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her - when I found 
matters were likely to be discovered - two guineas and a black paduasoy. - 
Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters - which I never delivered 
- two guineas and a pair of buckles - Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, 
three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuffbox! - Well done, 
Simplicity! - Yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe that he was 
corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for though not over-
rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings 
of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune.

Exit.



Act 2

Scene 1: CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's lodgings.

CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.

Fag	Sir, while I was there, Sir Anthony came in: I told him, you had sent 
me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see 
you.

Absolute	And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

Fag	Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He 
started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural oaths, 
and asked what the devil had brought you here!

Absolute	Well, sir, and what did you say?

Fag	Oh, I lied, sir - I forget the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he 
got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, 
I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath: in order that we may 
lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very 
curious indeed.

Absolute	You have said nothing to them?

Fag	Oh, not a word, sir - not a word. Mr Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom 
I take to be the discreetest of whips) -

Absolute	'Sdeath! - you rascal! you have not trusted him!

Fag	Oh, no, sir - no - no - not a syllable, upon my veracity! He was, 
indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir - devilish sly! My master 
(said I) honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors) 
is come to Bath to recruit - yes, sir - I said, to recruit - and whether 
for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor 
anyone else.

Absolute	Well, recruit will do - let it be so.

Fag	Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly - indeed, to give the thing an 
air, I told Thomas that your honour had already enlisted five disbanded 
chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard-markers.

Absolute	You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

Fag	I beg pardon, sir - I beg pardon - but with submission, a lie is 
nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a 
good current lie, I always forge endorsements as well as the bill.

Absolute	Well, take care you don't hurt your credit by offering too much 
security. Is Mr Faulkland returned?

Fag	He is above, sir, changing his dress.

Absolute	Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and 
Miss Melville's arrival?

Fag	I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his 
gentleman, who was with him at Bristol. I think, sir, I hear Mr Faulkland 
coming down -

Absolute	Go tell him I am here.

Fag	Yes, sir - [going]. I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you 
will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Absolute	Well, well.

Fag	And, in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the 
chairmen and waiters, I shall esteem it as an obligation; for though I 
never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be 
found out.

Exit.

Absolute	Now for my whimsical friend - if he does not know that his 
mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him -

Enter FAULKLAND.

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

Faulkland	Yes; I had nothing to detain me when I had finished the business 
I went on. Well, what news since I left you? How stand matters between you 
and Lydia?

Absolute	Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel, 
however I expect to be recalled every hour.

Faulkland	Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

Absolute	What, and lose two thirds of her fortune? You forget that, my 
friend. No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

Faulkland	Nay, then, you trifle too long - if you are sure of her, propose 
to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his 
consent.

Absolute	Softly, softtly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would 
elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she 
would take me with the impediments of our friends' consent, a regular 
humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no, I 
must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to 
her, before I risk it. - Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us today at 
the hotel?

Faulkland	Indeed I cannot: I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

Absolute	By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most 
teasing, captious, incorrigible lover! - Do love like a man.

Faulkland	I own I am unfit for company.

Absolute	Am not I a lover; aye, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry 
everywhere with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, 
wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

Faulkland	Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably 
on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could 
stake and throw again: but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and 
not to succeed were to be stripped of all.

Absolute	But for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your 
whimsical brain conjure up at present?

Faulkland	What grounds for apprehension did you say? Heavens! are there not 
a thousand! I fear for her spirits - her health - her life! - My absence 
may fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me, may oppress her 
gentle temper: and for her health, does not every hour bring me cause to be 
alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate 
frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected her! The heat 
of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for whom 
only I value mine. O Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, 
there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an 
aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension!

Absolute	Aye, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not. So 
then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, 
you would be entirely content?

Faulkland	I should be happy beyond measure - I am anxious only for that.

Absolute	Then to cure your anxiety at once - Miss Melville is in perfect 
health, and is at this moment in Bath.

Faulkland	Nay, Jack - don't trifle with me.

Absolute	She is arrived here with my father within this hour.

Faulkland	Can you be serious?

Absolute	I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a 
sudden whim of this kind. - Seriously then, it is as I tell you - upon my 
honour.

Faulkland	My dear friend! Hollo, Du-Peigne! my hat. - My dear Jack - now 
nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

Enter FAG.

Fag	Sir, Mr Acres, just arrived, is below.

Absolute	Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, 
and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her. 
Fag, show the gentleman up.

Exit FAG.

Faulkland	What, is he much acquainted in the family?

Absolute	Oh, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his 
character will divert you.

Faulkland	Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

Absolute	He is likewise a rival of mine - that is, of my other self's, for 
he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in 
question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one 
Beverly, a concealed skulking rival, who -

Faulkland	Hush! He's here.

Enter ACRES.

Acres	Hah! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? 
Just arrived, faith, as you see. - Sir, your humble servant. Warm work on 
the roads Jack! - Odds whips and wheels, I've travelled like a comet, with 
a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall.

Absolute	Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your 
attraction hither. - Give me leave to introduce Mr Faulkland to you; Mr 
Faulkland, Mr Acres.

Acres	Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir, I solicit your 
connections. - Hey Jack - what, this is Mr Faulkland, who -

Absolute	Aye, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr Faulkland.

Acres	Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me? - I 
suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man.

Faulkland	I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir; - I hope she enjoyed full 
health and spirits in Devonshire?

Acres	Never knew her better in my life, sir - never better. Odds blushes 
and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa.

Faulkland	Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

Acres	False, false, sir - only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure 
you.

Faulkland	There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost 
fretted myself ill.

Absolute	Now you are angry with your mistress for not having been sick.

Faulkland	No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling 
indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we 
love. Now confess - isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, 
unfeeling health?

Absolute	Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence to be 
sure!

Acres	Good apartments, Jack.

Faulkland	Well sir, but you were saying that Miss Melville has been so 
exceedingly well - what then, she has been merry and gay I suppose? Always 
in spirits - hey?

Acres	Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the 
company wherever she has been - so lively and entertaining! so full of wit 
and humour!

Faulkland	There, Jack, there. - Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity 
in woman, that nothing can overcome. - What! happy, and I away!

Absolute	Have done! - How foolish this is! Just now you were only 
apprehensive for your mistress's spirits.

Faulkland	Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

Absolute	No, indeed, you have not.

Faulkland	Have I been lively and entertaining?

Absolute	Oh, upon my word, I acquit you.

Faulkland	Have I been full of wit and humour?

Absolute	No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid 
indeed.

Acres	What's the matter with the gentleman?

Absolute	He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia 
has been so well and happy - that's all - hey, Faulkland?

Faulkland	Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it - yes, yes, she has a happy 
disposition!

Acres	That she has indeed - then she is so accomplished - so sweet a voice 
- so expert at her harpsichord - such a mistress of flat and sharp, 
squallante, rumblante, and quiverante! There was this time month - odds 
minims and crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs Piano's concert.

Faulkland	There again, what say you to this? You see she has been all mirth 
and song - not a thought of me!

Absolute	Pho! man, is not music the food of love?

Faulkland	Well, well, it may be so. - Pray Mr - what's his damned name? - 
Do you remember what songs Miss Melville sung?

Acres	Not I, indeed.

Absolute:	Stay now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I 
warrant; perhaps you may recollect - did she sing When absent from my 
soul's delight?

Acres	No, that wa'n t it.

Absolute	Or [Sings.] Go, gentle dales!

Acres	Oh no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them [Sings] My 
heart's my own, my will is free.

Faulkland	Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! 
'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle to soothe 
her light heart with catches and glees! - What can you say to this, sir?

Absolute	Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, 
sir.

Faulkland	Nay, nay, nay - I'm not sorry that she has been happy - no, no, I 
am glad of that - I would not have had her sad or sick - yet surely a 
sympathetic heart would have shown itself even in the choice of a song - 
she might have been temperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay; - 
but she has been dancing too, I doubt not!

Acres	What does the gentleman say about dancing?

Absolute	He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings.

Acres	Ay, truly, does she - there was at our last race-ball -

Faulkland	Hell and the devil! - There! there! - I told you so! I told you 
so! Oh! she thrives in my absence! - Dancing! - But her whole feelings have 
been in opposition with mine! I have been anxious, silent, pensive, 
sedentary - my days have been hours of care, my nights of watchfulness. She 
has been all health! spirit! laugh! song! dance! - Oh! damned, damned 
levity!

Absolute	For heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so. Suppose 
she has danced, what then? - does not the ceremony of society often oblige 
-

Faulkland	Well, well, I'll contain myself - perhaps, as you say, for form 
sake. What, Mr Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of dancing a 
minuet - hey?

Acres	Oh, I dare insure her for that - but what I was going to speak of was 
her country dancing: odds swimmings! she has such an air with her!

Faulkland	Now disappointment on her! Defend this, Absolute, why don't you 
defend this? - Country dances! jigs, and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet 
I could have forgiven - I should not have minded that - I say I should not 
have regarded a minuet - but country dances! - Zounds! had she made one in 
a cotillon - I believe I could have forgiven even that - but to be monkey-
led for a night! - to run the gauntdet through a string of amorous palming 
puppies! - to show paces like a managed filly! - Oh Jack, there never can 
be but one man in the world whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to 
pair with in a country dance; and even then, the rest of the couples should 
be her great uncles and aunts!

Absolute	Aye, to be sure! - grandfathers and grandmothers!

Faulkland	If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a 
contagion - the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of 
the jig - their quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very air - 
the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts 
through every link of the chain! - I must leave you - I own I am somewhat 
flurried - and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.]

Absolute	Nay, but stay Faulkland, and thank Mr Acres for his good news.

Faulkland	Damn his news!

Exit FAULKLAND.

Absolute	Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five minutes since - "nothing on earth 
could give him a moment's uneasiness"!

Acres	The gentleman wa'n't angry at my praising his mistress, was he?

Absolute	A little jealous, I believe, Bob.

Acres	You don't say so? Ha! ha! jealous of me - that's a good joke.

Absolute	There's nothling strange in that, Bob. Let me tell you, that 
sprightly grace and insinuating manner of yours will do some mischief among 
the girls here.

Acres	Ah! you joke - ha! ha! - mischief - ha! ha! - but you know I am not 
my own property, my dear Lydia has forestalled me. She could never abide me 
in the country, because I used to dress so badly - but odds frogs and 
tambours! I shan't take matters so here, now ancient Madam has no voice in 
it. I'll make my old clothes know who's master. I shall straightway cashier 
the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable. My hair has 
been in training some time.

Absolute	Indeed!

Acres	Aye - and tho'ff the side-curls are a little restive, my hind-part 
takes to it very kindly.

Absolute	Oh, you'll polish, I doubt not.

Acres	Absolutely I propose so - then if I can find out this Ensign 
Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't.

Absolute	Spoke like a man! But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd 
kind of a new method of swearing -

Acres	Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it - 'tis genteel, isn't it? - I 
didn't invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great 
scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common oaths, 
and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he 
says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say by 
Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas! according to 
the sentiment: so that to swear with propriety, says my little major, the 
'oath should be an echo to the sense'; and this we call the oath 
referential, or sentimental swearing - ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it?

Absolute	Very genteel, and very new indeed - and I daresay will supplant 
all other figures of imprecation.

Acres	Aye, aye, the best terms will grow obsolete - damns have had their 
day.

Enter FAG.

Fag	Sir, there is a gentleman below, desires to see you. Shall I show him 
into the parlour?

Absolute	Aye - you may.

Acres	Well, I must be gone

Absolute	Stay. - Who is it, Fag?

Fag	Your father, sir.

Absolute	You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly?

Exit FAG.

Acres	You have business with Sir Anthony - I expect a message from Mrs 
Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius 
O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack, we must meet at night, when you shall give me a 
dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

Absolute	That I will with all my heart.

Exit ACRES.

Now for a parental lecture - I hope he has heard nothing of the business 
that has brought me here. I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, 
with all my soul!

Enter SIR ANTHONY.

Sir, I am delighted to see you here, looking so well! - your sudden arrival 
at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir Anthony	Very apprehensive, I daresay, Jack. - What, you are recruiting 
here, hey?

Absolute	Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir Anthony	Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, 
for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. - Jack, I 
have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not 
trouble you long.

Absolute	Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I 
pray frequently that you may continue so.

Sir Anthony	I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, 
then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may 
continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the 
income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a 
small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

Absolute	Sir, you are very good.

Sir Anthony	And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some 
figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a 
noble independence.

Absolute	Sir, your kindness overpowers me - such generosity makes the 
gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial 
affection.

Sir Anthony	I am glad you are so sensible of my attention - and you shall 
be master of a large estate in a few weeks.

Absolute	Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the 
sense I have of your munificence. - Yet sir, I presume you would not wish 
me to quit the army?

Sir Anthony	Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

Absolute	My wife, sir!

Sir Anthony	Ay, ay, settle that between you - settle that between you.

Absolute	A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir Anthony	Ay, a wife - why, did not I mention her before? -

Absolute	Not a word of her, sir.

Sir Anthony	Odd so! - I mus'n't forget her though. - Yes, Jack, the 
independence I was talking of is by marriage - the fortune is saddled with 
a wife - but I suppose that makes no difference.

Absolute	Sir! sir! - you amaze me!

Sir Anthony	Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you 
were all gratitude and duty.

Absolute	I was, sir - you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but 
not a word of a wife.

Sir Anthony	Why - what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you 
have the estate, you must take it with the livestock on it, as it stands.

Absolute	If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline 
the purchase. - Pray, sir, who is the -

Sir Anthony	What's that to you, sir? - Come, give me your promise to love, 
and to marry her directly.

Absolute	Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections 
for a lady I know nothing of!

Sir Anthony	I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a 
lady you know nothing of.

Absolute	Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed 
on another - my heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir Anthony	Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry - but 
business prevents its waiting on her.

Absolute	But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir Anthony	Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth 
redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose; so 
there can be no loss there.

Absolute	You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this 
point I cannot obey you.

Sir Anthony	Hark'ee, Jack; - I have heard you for some time with patience - 
I have been cool - quite cool; but take care - you know I am compliance 
itself - when I am not thwarted; - no one more easily led - when I have my 
own way; - but don't put me in a frenzy.

Absolute	Sir, I must repeat - in this I cannot obey you.

Sir Anthony	Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

Absolute	Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir Anthony	Sir, I won't hear a word - not a word! not one word! so give me 
your promise by a nod - and I'll tell you what, Jack - I mean, you dog - if 
you don't, by -

Absolute	What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to -

Sir Anthony	Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she 
shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the 
crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall 
have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew - she shall be all this, 
sirrah! - yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to 
write sonnets on her beauty.

Absolute	This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir Anthony	None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

Absolute	Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir Anthony	'Tis false, sir. I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know 
you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

Absolute	Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir Anthony	None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you 
please! - It won't do with me, I promise you.

Absolute	Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir Anthony	"I'is a confounded lie! - I know you are in a passion in your 
heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do.

Absolute	Nay, sir, upon my word -

Sir Anthony	So you - will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the 
devil good can passion do? - Passion is of no service, you impudent, 
insolent, overbearing reprobate! - There, you sneer again! don't provoke 
me! - but you rely upon the mildness of my temper - you do, you dog! you 
play upon the meekness of my disposition! - Yet take care. - the patience 
of a saint may be overcome at last! - but mark! I give you six hours and a 
half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do 
everything on earth that I choose, why - confound you! I may in time 
forgive you. - If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! 
don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get 
an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; 
I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall 
live on the interest. - I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget 
you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again!

Exit SIR ANTHONY.

Absolute	Mild, gentle, considerate father - I kiss your hands! - What a 
tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I 
dare not trust him with the truth. - I wonder what old wealthy hag it is 
that he wants to bestow on me! - Yet he married himself for love! and was 
in his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion!

Re-enter FAG.

Fag	Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes downstairs 
eight or ten steps at a time - muttering, growling, and thumping the 
banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the door - rap! 
he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my 
master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a 
puppy triumvirate! - Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found 
my father such very bad company; I should certainly drop his acquaintance.

Absolute	Cease your impertinence, sir, at present. - Did you come in for 
nothing more? - Stand out of the way!

Pushes him aside, and exit.

Fag	So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his father - 
then vents his spleen on poor Fag! - When one is vexed by one person, to 
revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, is the 
vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper - the basest

Enter BOY.

Boy	Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.

Fag	Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so! - The meanest 
disposition! the -

Boy	Quick, quick, Mr. Fag!

Fag	Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too? 
you little, impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred -

Exit kicking and beating him.



Scene 2: The North Parade.

Enter LUCY.

Lucy	So - I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list- Captain 
Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received 
notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed! - Well, I have done him a last 
friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him. - 
Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his 
dear Dalia, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here! - I have a little 
scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well 
if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.

Sir Lucius	Ha! my little ambassadress- upon my conscience, I have been 
looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

Lucy	[Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your lordship 
here on the North.

Sir Lucius	Faith! - maybe that was the reason we did not meet; and it is 
very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you; for I was only 
taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose 
that I might not miss you.

Lucy	My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir Lucius	Sure enough it must have been so - and I never dreamt it was so 
late, till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

Lucy	Yes, but I have - I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir Lucius	O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty handed - Well - let me 
see what the dear creature says.

Lucy	There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]

Sir Lucius	[Reads.] Sir - there is often a sudden incentive impulse in 
love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such 
was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius 
O'Trigger. - Very pretty, upon my word. - Female punctuation forbids me to 
say more; yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir 
Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. - DELIA.

Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. Faith, 
she's quite the queen of the dictionary! - for the devil a word dare refuse 
coming at her call - though one would think it was quite out of hearing.

Lucy	Ay, sir, a lady of her experience -

Sir Lucius	Experience! what, at seventeen?

Lucy	O true, sir - but then she reads so - my stars! how she will read off 
hand!

Sir Lucius	Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way - though she 
is rather an arbitrary writer too - for here are a great many poor words 
pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus 
from any court in Christendom.

Lucy	Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir Lucius	Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and 
Lady O'Trigger into the bargain! - But we must get the old gentlewoman's 
consent - and do everything fairly.

Lucy	Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice.

Sir Lucius	Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: - I am so poor that 
I can't afford to do a dirty action. - If I did not want money, I'd steal 
your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. - However, my 
pretty girl [Gives her money], here's a little something to buy you a 
ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. 
So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind.

Kisses her.

Lucy	O Lud! Sir Lucius - I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you 
if you're so impudent.

Sir Lucius	Faith she will, Lucy! - That same - pho! what's the name of it? 
- modesty - is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; 
so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell 
her fifty, my dear.

Lucy	What, would you have me tell her a lie?

Sir Lucius	Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

Lucy	For shame now! here is someone coming.

Sir Lucius	Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience!

Exit humming a tune.

Enter FAG.

Fag	So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

Lucy	O Lud! now, Mr. Fag, you flurry one so.

Fag	Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by - so a little less simplicity, with 
a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. - You play false with us, 
madam. - I saw you give the baronet a letter. - My master shall know this - 
and if he don't call him out, I will.

Lucy	Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. That letter was 
from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. - She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

Fag	How! what tastes some people have! - Why, I suppose I have walked by 
her window a hundred times. - But what says our young lady? any message to 
my master?

Lucy	Sad news, Mr. Fag. - A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute 
has proposed his son.

Fag	What, Captain Absolute?

Lucy	Even so - I overheard it all.

Fag	Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good bye, Lucy, I must away with this 
news.

Lucy	Well, you may laugh - but it is true, I assure you. - [Going.] But, 
Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

Fag	Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

Lucy	And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

Fag	Never fear! never fear!

Lucy	Be sure - bid him keep up his spirits.

Fag	We will - we will.

Exeunt severally.


Act 3

Scene 1: - The North Parade.

Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Absolute	'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith. My 
father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away 
with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too 
summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my 
recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed - but I 
can assure him it is very sincere. So, so - here he comes. He looks plaguy 
gruff.

Steps aside.
Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.

Sir Anthony	No - I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll 
live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence 
had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! 
Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his 
brothers and sisters! - for putting him, at twelve years old, into a 
marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, 
ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never 
will see him more, never - never - never.
Absolute	[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.

Sir Anthony	Fellow, get out of my way.

Absolute	Sir, you see a penitent before you

Sir Anthony	I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

Absolute	A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and 
to submit entirely to your will.

Sir Anthony	What's that?

Absolute	I have been revolving, and reflectingj and considering on your 
past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir Anthony	Well, sir?

Absolute	I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased 
to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir Anthony	Well, puppy?

Absolute	Why, then, sir, the result of my reflections is a resolution to 
sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir Anthony	Why now you talk sense - absolute sense. - I never heard 
anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

Absolute	I am happy in the appellation.

Sir Anthony	Why, then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the 
lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, 
prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture - 
prepare. - What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

Absolute	Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir Anthony	Worcestershire! no. Did you ever meet - Mrs Malaprop and her 
niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last 
ordered to your regiment?

Absolute	Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names 
before. Yet stay - I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish! 
She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir Anthony	Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

Absolute	Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir Anthony	Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing 
seventeen?

Absolute	As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in 
the matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir Anthony	Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so 
bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of 
love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing, at the 
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips 
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; 
more lovely in sullenness.

Absolute	[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir Anthony	Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

Absolute	And which is to be mine, sir; the niece or the aunt?

Sir Anthony	Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was 
of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The 
aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have 
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

Absolute	Not to please your father, sir?

Sir Anthony	To please my father! zounds! not to please - Oh, my father - 
odd so! - yes - yes; if my father indeed had desired - that's quite another 
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

Absolute	I daresay not, sir.

Sir Anthony	But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so 
beautiful?

Absolute	Sir, I repeat it - if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I 
desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if 
you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, 
one eye, and a few more graces of that kind - now, without being very nice, 
I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of 
limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very 
agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would 
not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir Anthony	What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite! 
- a vile, insensible stock. You a soldier! - you're a walking block, fit 
only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind 
to marry the girl myself!

Absolute	I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of 
addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the 
aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady - 'tis the 
same to me - I'll marry the niece.

Sir Anthony	Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or - 
but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie - 
I'm sure it must - come, now - damn your demure face! - come, confess, Jack 
- you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, 
hey! - I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the 
hypocrite.

Absolute	I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you 
should be so mistaken.

Sir Anthony	Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write 
a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes 
shall be the Promethean torch to you - come along, I'll never forgive you, 
if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience - if you 
don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

Exeunt.



Scene 2: Julia's Dressing-Room.

FAULKLAND discovered alone.

Faulkland	They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet 
come! How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my 
cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: but 
on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love beyond my 
life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious 
of it - yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy sparkled in her 
eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her expression! I was 
ashamed to appear less happy - though I had come resolved to wear a face of 
coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed 
expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy 
in my absence. She is coming! Yes! - I know the nimbleness of her tread, 
when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.

Enter JULIA

Julia	I had not hoped to see you again so soon.

Faulkland	Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome - restrained 
as we were by the presence of a third person?

Julia	O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not 
think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation.

Faulkland	'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you - to see 
you in such health. Sure I had no cause for coldness?

Julia	Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal 
from me what it is

Faulkland	Well, then - shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your 
health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by 
his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire - on 
your mirth your singing, dancing, and I know not what! For such is my 
temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your absence 
as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the cheek of 
parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there till they meet 
again.

Julia	Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute 
caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast against 
my tried affections?

Faulkland	They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no - I am happy if you 
have been so - yet only say that you did not sing with mirth - say that you 
thought of Faulkland in the dance.

Julia	I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of 
content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's truth. 
If I seemed sad, it were to make malice triumph; and say, that I fixed my 
heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own credulity. 
Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I say that I have 
often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose 
unkindness had caused my tears.

Faulkland	You were ever all goodness to me. Oh! I am a brute, when I but 
admit a doubt of your true constancy!

Julia	If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible, 
you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial scoff 
for levity and base ingratitude.

Faulkland	Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no 
title to your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have 
mistaken for love is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart.

Julia	For what quality must I love you?

Faulkland	For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or 
understanding were only to esteem me. And for person - I have often wished 
myself deformed, to be convinced that I owe no obligation there for any 
part of your affection.

Julia	Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of 
a man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this 
vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked 
my eyes if it were so or not.

Faulkland	Now this is not well from you, Julia - I despise person in a man 
- yet if you loved me as I wish, though I were an Aethiop, you'd think none 
so fair.

Julia	I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor 
father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege.

Faulkland	Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. I 
would not have been more free - no - I am proud of my restraint. Yet - yet 
- perhaps your high respect alone for this solemn compact has fettered your 
inclinations, which else had made a worthier choice. How shall I be sure, 
had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that I should still have 
been the object of your persevering love?

Julia	Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my 
heart will not feel more liberty!

Faulkland	There now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love 
for me were fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I 
wished it!

Julia	Oh! you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it.

Faulkland	I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never 
give you an uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from 
this. Women are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their 
affections: the cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty, may 
sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings of the heart. I would not boast - 
yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, nor character, to found 
dislike on; my fortune such as few ladies could be charged with 
indiscretion in the match. O Julia! when love receives such countenance 
from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth.

Julia	I know not whither your insinuations would tend: - but as they seem 
pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done so. - I 
have given you no cause for this!

Exit in tears.

Faulkland	In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment. - The door is 
fastened! - Julia! - my soul - but for one moment I - I hear her sobbing! - 
'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet stay! Ay - she is coming 
now: - how little resolution there is in a woman! - how a few soft words 
can turn them! - No, faith! - she is not coming either. - Why, Julia - my 
love - say but that you forgive me - come but to tell me that - now this is 
being too resentful. Stay! she is coming too - I thought she would - no 
steadiness in anything: her going away must have been a mere trick then - 
she sha'n't see that I was hurt by it - I'll affect indifference - [Hums a 
tune; then listens.] - No - zounds! she's not coming! - nor don't intend 
it, I suppose. - This is not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it. - 
What, after so long an absence to quarrel with her tenderness! - 'twas 
barbarous and unmanly! - I should be ashamed to see her now. - I'll wait 
till her just resentment is abated - and when I distress her so again, may 
I lose her for ever! and be linked instead to some antique virago, whose 
gnawing passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse my folly 
half the day and all the night.

Exit.



Scene 3: MRS. MALAPROP's Lodgings.

MRS. MALAPROP, with a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.


Mrs Malaprop	Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a 
sufficient accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am 
convinced you deserve the character here given of you.

Absolute	Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure 
of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present 
is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual 
accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is 
silent.

Mrs Malaprop	Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be 
seated.

They sit.

Ah! few gentlemen, nowadays, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in 
a woman! - few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman. - Men 
have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty!

Absolute	It is but too true, indeed, ma'am; - yet I fear our ladies should 
share the blame - they think our admiration of beauty so great, that 
knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they 
seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of more specious blossom. - 
Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!

Mrs Malaprop	Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding. - He is the very 
pineapple of politeness! - You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy 
girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, 
eavesdropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything 
of.

Absolute	Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. - I'm not at all 
prejudiced against her on that account.

Mrs Malaprop	You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I 
have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I 
laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again; - 
I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry to 
say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.

Absolute	It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree. - I thought 
she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, 
I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my 
pocket.

Absolute	[Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note.

Mrs Malaprop	Ay, here it is.

Absolute	[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! Oh, the little traitress Lucy.

Mrs Malaprop	There, perhaps you may know the writing.

Gives him the letter.

Absolute	I think I have seen the hand before - yes, I certainly must have 
seen this hand before -

Mrs Malaprop	Nay, but read it, captain.

Absolute	[Reads.] My soul's idol, my adored Lydia! - Very tender, indeed!

Mrs Malaprop	Tender, ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.

Absolute	[Reads.] I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, 
the more so as my new rival -

Mrs Malaprop	That's you, sir.

Absolute	[Reads.] Has universally the character of being an accomplished 
gentleman and a man of honour. - Well, that's handsome enough.

Mrs Malaprop	Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.

Absolute	That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	But go on, sir - you'll see presently.

Absolute	[Reads.] As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you. 
- Who can he mean by that?

Mrs Malaprop	Me, sir! - me! - he means me! - There - what do you think now? 
- but go on a little further.

Absolute	Impudent scoundrel! - [Reads.] it shall go hard but I will elude 
her vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes 
her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words 
which she don't understand -

Mrs Malaprop	There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of 
that? - an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, 
if I reprehend anything in this world it is the use of my oracular tongue, 
and a nice derangement of epitaphs!

Absolute	He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see - [Reads.] same 
ridiculous vanity -

Mrs Malaprop	You need not read it again, sir.

Absolute	I beg pardon, ma'am. - [Reads.] does also lay her open to the 
grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration - an impudent 
coxcomb! - so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old 
harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interview. - 
Was ever such assurance!

Mrs Malaprop	Did you ever hear anything like it? - he'll elude my 
vigilance, will he? - Yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these 
doors; - we'll try who can plot best!

Absolute	So we will, ma'am - so we will! Ha! ha! ha! conceited puppy, ha! 
ha! ha! - Well, but, Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this 
fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little 
time - let her even plot an elopement with him- - then do you connive at 
her escape, while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the 
heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.

Mrs Malaprop	I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better 
perpetrated!

Absolute	But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now? - I 
should like to try her temper a little.

Mrs Malaprop	Why, I don't know - I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of 
this kind. There is a decorum in these matters.

Absolute	O Lord! she won't mind me - only tell her Beverley -

Mrs Malaprop	Sir!

Absolute	[Aside.] Gently, good tongue.

Mrs Malaprop	What did you say of Beverley?

Absolute	Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of 
jest, that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough then 
- ha! ha! ha!

Mrs Malaprop	'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the 
fellow tells her he'll get my consent to see her - ha! ha! Let him if he 
can, I say again. [Calling.] Lydia, come down here! - He'll make me a go-
between in their interviews! - ha! ha! ha! - Come down, I say, Lydia! - I 
don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly 
ridiculous.

Absolute	'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs Malaprop	The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at 
once who it is - she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on 
her. And I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.

Absolute	As you please, madam.

Mrs Malaprop	For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done 
laughing yet, I see - elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha!

Exit.

Absolute	Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all 
disguise at once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's 
caprice, that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she 
knows me.

Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.
Enter LYDIA.

Lydia	What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more 
dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a 
stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have 
appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival; 
suppose I were to try it - there stands the hated rival - an officer too; - 
but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't begin - truly he seems a 
very negligent wooer! - quite at his ease, upon my word! I'll speak first - 
Mr. Absolute.

Absolute	Ma'am. [Turns round.]

Lydia	O heavens! Beverley!

Absolute	Hush; - hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!

Lydia	I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed! - for 
Heaven's sake! how came you here?

Absolute	Briefly, I have deceived your aunt - I was informed that my new 
rival was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, 
have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.

Lydia	O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute.

Absolute	Oh, she's convinced of it.

Lydia	Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is 
overreached!

Absolute	But we trifle with our precious moments - such another opportunity 
may not occur; then let me conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to fix 
the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and with a 
licensed warmth plead for my reward.

Lydia	Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry 
wealth? - that burden on the wings of love?

Absolute	Oh, come to me - rich only thus - in loveliness! Bring no portion 
to me but thy love - 'twill be generous in you, Lydia, - for well you know 
it is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.

Lydia	[Aside.] How persuasive are his words! - how charming will poverty be 
with him!

Absolute	Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol 
and support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all 
worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of calamity, 
we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding gloom of adversity 
shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly bright. By Heavens! I 
would fling all goods of fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the 
scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords 
no smile to me but here - [Embracing her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, 
the devil is in it!

Lydia	[Aside.] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my 
persecution is not yet come to a crisis.

Re-enter MRS. MALAPROP, listening.

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports 
herself.

Absolute	So pensive, Lydia! - is then your warmth abated?

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] Warmth abated! - so! - she has been in a passion, I 
suppose.

Lydia	No - nor ever can while I have life.

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] An ill-tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion 
all her life, will she?

Lydia	Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any 
weight with me.

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!

Lydia	Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance! - to his face - 
this is to his face.

Absolute	[Kneeling.] Thus then let me enforce my suit.

Mrs Malaprop	[Aside.] Ay, poor young man! - down on his knees entreating 
for pity! - I can contain no longer. - [Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen! - 
I have overheard you.

Absolute	[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!

Mrs Malaprop	Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking 
rudeness.

Absolute	[Aside.] So all's safe, I find. - [Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, 
that time will bring the young lady -

Mrs Malaprop	Oh, there nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as 
headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.

Lydia	Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?

Mrs Malaprop	Why, thou unblushing rebel - didn't you tell this gentleman to 
his face that you loved another better? - didn't you say you never would be 
his?

Lydia	No, madam - I did not.

Mrs Malaprop	Good heavens! what assurance! - Lydia, Lydia, you ought to 
know that lying don't become a young woman! - Didn't you boast that 
Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart? - Tell me that, I 
say.

Lydia	'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley -

Mrs Malaprop	Hold! - hold, Assurance! - you shall not be so rude.

Absolute	Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: 
she's very welcome to talk thus - it does not hurt me in the least, I 
assure you.

Mrs Malaprop	You are too good, captain - too amiably patient - but come 
with me, miss. - Let us see you again soon, captain - remember what we have 
fixed.

Absolute	I shall, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.

Lydia	May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev--

Mrs Malaprop	Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat! - come along-come 
along.

Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA - MRS. 
MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.


Scene 4: ACRES' Lodgings.

ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID.


Acres	Indeed, David - do you think I become it so?

David	You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' 
we've any luck we shall see the Devon monkeyrony in all the print-shops in 
Bath!

Acres	Dress does make a difference, David.

David	'Tis all in all, I think. - Difference! why, an' you were to go now 
to Clod Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler 
wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve me! 
our dairymaid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, 
your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat. - Oons! I'll hold a 
gallon, there an't a dog in the house but would bark, and I question 
whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

Acres	Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing.

David	So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

Acres	But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my 
balancing, and chasing, and boring.

David	I'll call again, sir.

Acres	Do - and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

David	I will. - By the mass, I can't help looking at your head! - if I 
hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the 
dish again myself.

Exit.

Acres	[Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide - coupee. - Confound the 
first inventors of cotillons! say I - they are as bad as algebra to us 
country gentlemen. - I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced! - 
and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance. - Odds jigs and 
tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple - figure in - right and 
left - and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county! - but these 
outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillons are quite beyond me! - I shall 
never prosper at 'em, that's sure - mine are true-born English legs - they 
don't understand their curst French lingo! - their pas this, and pas that, 
and pas t'other! - damn me! - my feet don't like to be called paws! no, 
'tis certain I have most Anti-gallican toes!

Enter SERVANT.

Servant	Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.

Acres.	Show him in.

Exit SERVANT.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.

Sir Lucius	Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.

Acres	My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.

Sir Lucius	Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

Acres	Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a 
quagmire at last. - In short, I have been very ill-used, Sir Lucius. - I 
don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used 
gentleman.

Sir Lucius	Pray what is the case? - I ask no names.

Acres	Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young 
lady - her friends take my part - I follow her to Bath - send word of my 
arrival; and receive answer that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. - 
This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.

Sir Lucius	Very ill, upon my conscience. - Pray, can you divine the cause 
of it?

Acres	Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I 
am told, is now in Bath. - Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom 
of it.

Sir Lucius	A rival in the case, is there? - and you think he has supplanted 
you unfairly?

Acres	Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir Lucius	Then sure you know what is to be done!

Acres	Not I, upon my soul!

Sir Lucius	We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

Acres	What! fight him.

Sir Lucius	Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

Acres	But he has given me no provocation.

Sir Lucius	Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the 
world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another man than to 
fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most 
unpardonable breach of friendship.

Acres	Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this 
man. I never saw him in my life.

Sir Lucius	That's no argument at all - he has the less right then to take 
such a liberty.

Acres	Gad, that's true - I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius! - I fire apace! 
Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and 
not know it - But couldn't I contrive to have a little right on my side?

Sir Lucius	What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? 
Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired 
where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left 
the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

Acres	Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage 
must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were - 
a kind of courage, as I may say. - Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll 
challenge him directly.

Sir Lucius	Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could 
show you a range of ancestry, in the old O'Trigger line, that would furnish 
the new room; every one of whom had killed his man! - For though the 
mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank 
heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.

Acres	O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too! - every man of 'em colonel 
or captain in the militia! - Odds balls and barrels! say no more - I'm 
braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human 
kindness in my breast: - Zounds! as the man in the plays says, I could do 
such deeds!

Sir Lucius	Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case - these 
things should always be done civilly.

Acres	I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius - I must be in a rage. - Dear Sir 
Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper. - 
[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red! - Indite, I say, indite! - 
How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, 
however.

Sir Lucius	Pray compose yourself.

Acres	Come - now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin 
with a damme.

Sir Lucius	Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin 
now- Sir -

Acres	That's too civil by half.

Sir Lucius	To prevent the confusion that might arise -

Acres 	Well -

Sir Lucius	From our both addressing the same lady -

Acres	Ay, there's the reason - same lady - well -

Sir Lucius	I shall expect the honour of your company -

Acres	Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir Lucius	Pray be easy.

Acres	Well, then, honour of your company -

Sir Lucius	To settle our pretensions -

Acres	Well.

Sir Lucius	Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do - in King's-Mead-
Fields.

Acres	So, that's done - Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest - a 
hand and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir Lucius	You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to 
all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

Acres	Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir Lucius	Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. - Take my advice, and 
you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 
'twill be off your mind tomorrow.

Acres	Very true.

Sir Lucius	So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the 
evening. - I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell 
you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own 
hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the 
expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to 
call him out.

Acres	By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I 
should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir Lucius	I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well, for the present 
- but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do everything in a mild 
and agreeable manner. - Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time 
as polished, as your sword.

Exeunt severally.



Act 4

Scene 1: ACRES' Lodgings.

ACRES and DAVID.

David	Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing - ne'er a St. Lucius 
O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded. 
Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

Acres	Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius! - Odds sparks and flames! he 
would have roused your valour.

David	Not he, indeed. I hates such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, 
master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter-staff, or short-staff, I 
should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and 
snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.

Acres	But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

David	Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in 
return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.

Acres	Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his 
honour!

David	I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of 
a gentleman. - Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous 
false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant. - Put the case, I 
was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me); well - my honour 
makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance. - So, we fight. 
(Pleasant enough that!) Boh; - I kill him - (the more's my luck!) now, pray 
who gets the profit of it? - Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills 
me! - by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

Acres	No, David - in that case! - odds crowns and laurels! your honour 
follows you to the grave.

David	Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without 
it.

Acres	Zounds! David, you are a coward! - It doesn't become my valour to 
listen to you. - What, shall I disgrace my ancestors? - Think of that, 
David - think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!

David	Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as 
long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in 
such haste - with an ounce of lead in your brains - I should think might as 
well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are 
the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.

Acres	But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, verg great 
danger, hey? - Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!

David	By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you! - Oons! here to 
meet some lion-hearted fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled 
swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols! Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to 
think o't - Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never 
could abide 'em! - from a child I never could fancy 'em! - I suppose there 
an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!

Acres	Zounds! I won't be afraid! - Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me 
afraid. - Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack 
Absolute to carry it for me.

David	Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger. - For my part 
I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the 
mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing 
and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a 
soldier's pouch! - Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off!

Acres	Out, you poltroon! you han't the valour of a grasshopper.

David	Well, I say no more - 'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod Hall! 
but I ha' done. How Phillis will howl when she hears of it! - Ah, poor 
bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I 
warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten 
years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]

Acres	It won't do, David - I am determined to fight - so get along, you 
coward, while I'm in the mind.

Enter SERVANT.

Servant	Captain Absolute, sir.

Acres	Oh! show him up.

Exit SERVANT.

David	Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time tomorrow.

Acres	What's that? - Don't provoke me, David!

David	Good-bye, master. [Whimpering.]

Acres	Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!

Exit DAVID.
Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Absolute	What's the matter, Bob?

Acres	A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George 
and the dragon to boot -

Absolute	But what did you want with me, Bob?

Acres	Oh! - There -

Gives him the challenge.

Absolute	[Aside.] To Ensign Beverley. - So, what's going on now? - [Aloud.] 
Well, what's this?

Acres	A challenge!

Absolute	Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?

Acres	Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left 
me full of rage - and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion 
mayn't be wasted.

Absolute	But what have I to do with this?

Acres	Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find 
him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

Absolute	Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.

Acres	Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great 
deal of trouble.

Absolute	Not in the least - I beg you won't mention it. - No trouble in the 
world, I assure you.

Acres	You are very kind. - What it is to have a friend! - You couldn't be 
my second, could you, Jack?

Absolute	Why no, Bob - not in this affair - it would not be quite so 
proper.

Acres	Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good 
wishes, however, Jack?

Absolute	Whenever he meets you, believe me.

Re-enter SERVANT.

Servant	Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

Absolute	I'll come instantly.

Exit SERVANT.

[Going.] Well, my little hero, success attend you.

Acres	Stay - stay, Jack. - If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man 
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow - will you, 
Jack?

Absolute	To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog - hey, Bob?

Acres	Ah, do, do - and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. 
So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

Absolute	I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting 
Bob.

Acres	Right - right - 'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to 
take his life if I clear my honour.

Absolute	No! - that's very kind of you.

Acres	Why, you don't wish me to kill him - do you, Jack?

Absolute	No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]

Acres	True, true - but stay - stay, Jack, - you may add, that you never saw 
me in such a rage before - a most devouring rage!

Absolute	I will, I will.

Acres	Remember, Jack - a determined dog!

Absolute	Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

Exeunt severally.



Scene 2: MRS. MALAPROP's Lodgings.

MRS. MALAPROP and LYDIA.

Mrs Malaprop	Why, thou perverse one! - tell me what you can object to him? 
Isn't he a handsome man? - tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of 
a man?

Lydia	[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising! - [Aloud.] So is 
Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a 
young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

Lydia	[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs Malaprop	Then he's so well bred; - so full of alacrity, and adulation! 
- and has so much to say for himself: - in such good language, too! His 
physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when 
I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play: -

"Hesperian curls - the front of Job himself! -
An eye, like March, to threaten at command! -
A station, like Harry Mercury, new -"

Something about kissing - on a hill - however, the similitude struck me 
directly.

Lydia	[Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her 
mistake!

Enter SERVANT.

Servant	Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs Malaprop	Show them up here.

Exit SERVANT.

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your 
good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

Lydia	Madam, I have told you my resolution! - I shall not only give him no 
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him.

Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.

Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Sir Anthony	Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of 
unrelenting beauty, - and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow. - I 
don't know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have 
given me the slip.

Mrs Malaprop	You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am 
ashamed for the cause! - [Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech 
you! - pay your respects!

Sir Anthony	I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of 
this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance. - 
[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

Absolute	[Aside.] What the devil shall I do! - [Aside to SIR ANTHONY.] You 
see, sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she 
wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together!

Seems to expostulate with his father

Lydia	[Aside.] I wonder I han't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't 
have looked at him! - perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is 
something blind.

Sir Anthony	I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs Malaprop	I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my 
niece is very small. - [Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for 
you!

Sir Anthony	May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what 
cause of dislike she can have to my son! - [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why 
don't you begin, Jack? - Speak, you puppy - speak!

Mrs Malaprop	It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not 
say she has. - [Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir Anthony	Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection 
will be no bar to Jack's happiness. - [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! 
sirrah! why don't you speak?

Lydia	[Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as 
myself. - How strangely blind my aunt must be!

Absolute	Hem! hem! madam - hem! - [Attempts to speak, then returns to SIR 
ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded! - and - so - so - confused! - I 
told you I should be so, sir - I knew it. - The - the - tremor of my 
passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir Anthony	But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it? - Go up, and 
speak to her directly!

CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to MRS. MALAPROP to leave them together.

Mrs Malaprop	Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together? - [Aside to LYDIA.] 
Ah! you stubborn little vixen!

Sir Anthony	Not yet, ma'am, not yet! - [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What 
the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or -

Absolute	[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round! - I 
must disguise my voice. - [Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse 
tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? 
Will not -

Sir Anthony	What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out? - not 
stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

Absolute	The - the - excess of my awe, and my - my - modesty quite choke 
me!

Sir Anthony	Ah! your modesty again! - I'll tell you what, Jack, if you 
don't speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage! - Mrs. 
Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a 
sidefront.

MRS. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.

Absolute	[Aside.] So all will out, I see! - [Goes up to LYDIA, speaks 
softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

Lydia	[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed 
on Sir Anthony too! - [Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this 
possible? - my Beverley! - how can this be? - my Beverley?

Absolute	[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir Anthony	Beverley! - the devil - Beverley! - What can the girl mean? - 
this is my son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs Malaprop	For shame, hussy! for shame - your head runs so on that 
fellow, that you have him always in your eyes! - beg Captain Absolute's 
pardon directly.

Lydia	I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir Anthony	Zounds! the girl's mad! - her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs Malaprop	O' my conscience, I believe so! - What do you mean by 
Beverley, hussy? - You saw Captain Absolute before today; there he is - 
your husband that shall be.

Lydia	With all my soul, ma'am - when I refuse my Beverley -

Sir Anthony	Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam! - or has this fellow been playing 
us a rogue's trick! - Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

Absolute	Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to 
recollect.

Sir Anthony	Are you my son or not? - answer for your mother, you dog, if 
you won't for me.

Mrs Malaprop	Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!

Absolute	[Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! - [Aloud.] Sir 
Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son; and that I sincerely believe 
myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. - Mrs. Malaprop, 
I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate 
nephew. - I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, 
who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and 
station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he 
now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

Lydia	[Sullenly.] So! - there will be no elopement after all!

Sir Anthony	Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you 
justice, I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

Absolute	Oh, you flatter me, sir - you compliment - 'tis my modesty, you 
know, sir - my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir Anthony	Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you 
pretended to be, however! - I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, 
you dog - I am. So this was your penitence, your duty and obedience! - I 
thought it was damned sudden! - You never heard their names before, not 
you! - what, the Languishes of Worcestershire, hey? - if you could please 
me in the affair it was all you desired! - Ah! you dissembling villain! - 
What! - [Pointing to LYDIA] she squints don't she? - a little red-haired 
girl! - hey? - Why, you hypocritical young rascal! - I wonder you a'n't 
ashamed to hold up your head!

Absolute	'Tis with difficulty, sir. - I am confused - very much confused, 
as you must perceive.

Mrs Malaprop	O Lud! Sir Anthony! - a new light breaks in upon me! - hey! - 
how! what! captain, did you write the letters then? - What, am I to thank 
you for the elegant compilation of an old weather-beaten she-dragon - hey? 
- O mercy! - was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

Absolute	Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't 
assist me. - I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir Anthony	Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive; - odds 
life! matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could 
find in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. 
Malaprop!

Mrs Malaprop	Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate 
the past! - so mind, young people, our retrospection will be all to the 
future.

Sir Anthony	Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to 
fly into each other's arms, I warrant! - Jack, isn't the cheek as I said, 
hey? - and the eye, you rogue? - and the lip - hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, 
we'll not disturb their tenderness - theirs is the time of life for 
happiness! - [Sings.] Youth's the season made for joy - hey! - Odds life! 
I'm in such spirits, - I don't know what I could not do! - Permit me, ma'am 
- [Gives his hand to MRS. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol - 'gad, I should like to 
have a little fooling myself - Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

Exit, singing and handing MRS. MALAPROP. - LYDIA sits sullenly in her 
chair.

Absolute	[Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good. - [Aloud.] So grave, 
Lydia!

Lydia	Sir!

Absolute	[Aside.] So! - egad! I thought as much! - that damned monosyllable 
has froze me! - [Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our 
friends' consent, as in our mutual vows -

Lydia	[Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed!

Absolute	Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance - a little 
wealth and comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the 
lawyers shall make such settlements as -

Lydia	Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

Absolute	Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but 
instantly procure the license, and -

Lydia	The license! - I hate license!

Absolute	Oh, my love! be not so unkind! - [Kneeling.] thus let me entreat -

Lydia	Psha! - what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

Absolute	[Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your 
inclinations, I promise you. - If I have lost your heart - I resign the 
rest -[Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

Lydia	[Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was 
acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of 
fraud. - What, you have been treating me like a child! - humouring my 
romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

Absolute	You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me - only hear -

Lydia	So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and 
flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all - behold my 
hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation - and 
I am myself the only dupe at last! - [Walking about in a heat.] But here, 
sir, here is the picture - Beverley's picture! [Taking a miniature from her 
bosom.] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and 
entreaties! - There, sir; [Flings it to him.] and be assured I throw the 
original from my heart as easily.

Absolute	Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that. - Here, [Taking 
out a picture] here is Miss Lydia Languish. - What a difference! - ay, 
there is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my 
hopes! - those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in 
Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have 
checked the ardour of my thanks! - Well, all that's past? - all over 
indeed! - There, madam - in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in 
my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is such - 
that - I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up again.]

Lydia	[Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir - I, I, I suppose you are 
perfectly satisfied.

Absolute	O, most certainly - sure, now, this is much better than being in 
love! - ha! ha! ha! - there's some spirit in this! - What signifies 
breaking some scores of solemn promises: - all that's of no consequence, 
you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own mind but 
never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that 
the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her - but don't let that 
fret you.

Lydia	There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]

Re-enter MRS. MALAPROP and SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.

Mrs Malaprop	Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

Lydia	[Sobbing.] This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base 
ingrate!

Sir Anthony	What the devil's the matter now? - Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this 
is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard! - but what the deuce is the 
meaning of it? - I am quite astonished!

Absolute	Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs Malaprop	O mercy! - I'm quite analyzed, for my part! - Why, Lydia, what 
is the reason of this?

Lydia	Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir Anthony	Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy! - My, Jack, you are not come 
out to be anyone else, are you?

Mrs Malaprop	Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there? - you are not like 
Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you? '

Absolute	You'll not let me speak - I say the lady can account for this much 
better than I can.

Lydia	Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again - there 
is the man - I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for 
ever.

Exit.

Mrs Malaprop	O mercy! - and miracles! what a turn here is - why, sure, 
captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece?

Sir Anthony	Ha! ha! ha! - ha! ha! ha! - now I see it. Ha! ha! ha! - now I 
see it - you have been too lively, Jack.

Absolute	Nay, sir, upon my word -

Sir Anthony	Come, no lying, Jack - I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs Malaprop	O Lud! Sir Anthony! - O fy, captain!

Absolute	Upon my soul, ma'am -

Sir Anthony	Come, no excuse, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so 
before you! - the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient. - Ha! ha! 
ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

Absolute	By all that's good, sir -

Sir Anthony	Zounds! say no more, I tell you, Mrs. Malaprop shall make your 
peace. You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop: - you must tell her 'tis 
Jack's way - tell her 'tis all our ways - it runs in the blood of our 
family! Come away, Jack. Ha! ha! ha! - Mrs. Malaprop - a voung villain! 
[Pushing him out.]

Mrs Malaprop	O! Sir Anthony! - O fy, captain!

Exeunt severally.


Scene 3: The North Parade.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.

Sir Lucius	I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my 
conscience! these officers are always in one's way in love affairs: - I 
remember I might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for 
a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a 
sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to be 
so fond of them - unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em, that 
makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth. 
Ha! isn't this the captain coming? - faith it is! - There is a probability 
of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! Who the devil is 
he talking to?

Steps aside.
Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Absolute	[Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward 
for all my schemes, upon my soul! - a little gypsy! - I did not think her 
romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never was 
in a worse humour in my life! - I could cut my own throat, or any other 
person's with the greatest pleasure in the world!

Sir Lucius	[Aside.] Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have 
found him in a sweeter temper for my purpose - to be sure I'm just come in 
the nick! Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel 
genteelly. - [Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, 
captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you.

Absolute	Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant: - 
because, sir, I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir Lucius	That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think 
an untruth as well as speak one.

Absolute	Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should 
think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

Sir Lucius	Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the 
same thing.

Absolute	Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a 
gentleman, upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: 
for what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot 
conceive!

Sir Lucius	I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your apprehension. 
- [Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.

Absolute	Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations. - 
But I should be glad you would be pleased to explain your motives.

Sir Lucius	Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it 
stands; we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your 
memory is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on 
me within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.

Absolute	Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let 
it be this evening - here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be 
interrupted.

Sir Lucius	Faith! that same interruption in affairs of this nature shows 
very great ill-breeding. I don't know what's the reason; but in England if 
a thing of this kind gets wind, people make such a pother, that a gentleman 
can never fight in peace and quietness. However, if it's the same to you, I 
should take it as a particular kindness if you'd let us meet in King's-Mead-
Fields, as a little business will call me there about six o'clock, and I 
may despatch both matters at once.

Absolute	'Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will 
discuss this matter more seriously.

Sir Lucius	If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small-sword light, 
though it won't do for a long shot. So that matter's settled, and my mind's 
at ease!

Exit.

Enter FAULKLAND.

Absolute	Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons 
of spite and disappointment have conspired against me! I'm so vex'd, that 
if I had not the prospect of a resource in being knocked o' the head by-and-
by, I should scarce have spirits to tell you the cause.

Faulkland	What can you mean.? - Has Lydia changed her mind? - I should have 
thought her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same object.

Absolute	Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye 
was fixed on me, t'other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when 
duty bid her point that the same way, off t'other turned on a swivel, and 
secured its retreat with a frown!

Faulkland	But what's the resource you -

Absolute	Oh, to wind up the whole, a good-natured Irishman here has 
[Mimicking SIR LUCIUS] begged leave to have the pleasure of cutting my 
throat; and I mean to indulge him - that's all.

Faulkland	Prithee, be serious!

Absolute	'Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O'Trigger - you know him by 
sight - for some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged me 
to meet him this evening at six o'clock: 'tis on that account I wished to 
see you; you must go with me.

Faulkland	Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain 
himself, and I daresay matters may be accommodated. But this evening, did 
you say? wish it had been any other time.

Absolute	Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) 
be very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot. 
Confound his long shots.

Faulkland	But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had 
with Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, 
that I shall not be myself till we are reconciled.

Absolute	By heavens! Faulkland, you don't deserve her!

Enter SERVANT, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exit.

Faulkland	Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may 
be to take a last leave! - perhaps to bid me return her letters, and 
restore - Oh, how I suffer for my folly!

Absolute	Here, let me see. - [Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final 
sentence, indeed! - 'tis all over with you, faith!

Faulkland	Nay, Jack, don't keep me in suspense!

Absolute	Hear then - [Reads.] "As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland's 
own reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I 
will not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as 
possible. Yours ever and truly, JULIA." There's stubbornness and resentment 
for you! - [Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don't seem one whit 
happier at this!

Faulkland	O yes, I am; but - but -

Absolute	Confound your buts! you never hear anything that would make 
another man bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but!

Faulkland	Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly - don't you think 
there is something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive? 
Women should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from us. 
They should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness; and their pardon, 
like their love, should "not unsought be won."

Absolute	I have not patience to listen to you! thou'rt incorrigible! so say 
no more on the subject. I must go to settle a few matters. Let me see you 
before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor industrious devil like me, who 
have toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain my ends, and am at last 
disappointed by other people's folly, may in pity be allowed to swear and 
grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave to fretfulness 
and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating, is a subject 
more fit for ridicule than compassion!

Exit.

Faulkland	I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite 
nicety for the gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! 
His engaging me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will 
instantly pursue. I'll use it as the touch-stone of Julia's sincerity and 
disinterestedness. If her love proves pure and sterling ore, my name will 
rest on it with honour; and once I've stamped it there, I lay aside my 
doubts for ever! But if the dross of selfishness, the alloy of pride, 
predominate, 'twill be best to leave her as a toy for some less cautious 
fool to sigh for!

Exit.


Act 5

Scen 1: JULIA'S Dressing-Room.

JULIA discovered alone.

Julia	How this message has alarmed me! what dreadful accident can he mean? 
why such charge to be alone? - O Faulkland! - how many unhappy moments - 
how many tears have you cost me.

Enter FAULKLAND.

Julia	What means this? - why this caution, Faulkland?

Faulkland	Alas! Julia, I am come to take a long farewell.

Julia	Heavens! what do you mean?

Faulkland	You see before you a wretch, whose life is forfeited. Nay, start 
not! - the infirmity of my temper has drawn all this misery on me. I left 
you fretful and passionate - an untoward accident drew me into a quarrel - 
the event is, that I must fly this kingdom instantly. O Julia, had I been 
so fortunate as to have called you mine entirely, before this mischance had 
fallen on me, I should not so deeply dread my banishment!

Julia	My soul is opprest with sorrow at the nature of your misfortune: had 
these adverse circumstances arisen from a less fatal cause I should have 
felt strong comfort in the thought that I could now chase from your bosom 
every doubt of the warm sincerity of my love. My heart has long known no 
other guardian - I now entrust my person to your honour - we will fly 
together. When safe from pursuit, my father's will may be fulfilled - and I 
receive a legal claim to be the partner of your sorrows, and tenderest 
comforter. Then on the bosom of your wedded Julia, you may lull your keen 
regret to slumbering, while virtuous love, with a cherub's hand, shall 
smoothe the brow of upbraiding thought, and pluck the thorn from 
compunction.

Faulkland	O Julia! I am bankrupt in gratitude! but the time is so pressing, 
it calls on you for so hasty a resolution. - Would you not wish some hours 
to weigh the advantages you forego, and what little compensation poor 
Faulkland can make you beside his solitary love?

Julia	I ask not a moment. No, Faulkland, I have loved you for yourself: and 
if I now, more than ever, prize the solemn engagement which so long has 
pledged us to each other, it is because it leaves no room for hard 
aspersions on my fame, and puts the seal of duty to an act of love. But let 
us not linger. Perhaps this delay -

Faulkland	'Twill be better I should not venture out again till dark. Yet am 
I grieved to think what numberless distresses will press heavy on your 
gentle disposition!

Julia	Perhaps your fortune may be forfeited by this unhappy act. - I know 
not whether 'tis so; but sure that alone can never make us unhappy. The 
little I have will be sufficient to support us; and exile never should be 
splendid.

Faulkland	Ay, but in such an abject state of life, my wounded pride perhaps 
may increase the natural fretfulness of my temper, till I become a rude, 
morose companion, beyond your patience to endure. Perhaps the recollection 
of a deed my conscience cannot justify may haunt me in such gloomy and 
unsocial fits, that I shall hate the tenderness that would relieve me, 
break from your arms, and quarrel with your fondness!

Julia	If your thoughts should assume so unhappy a bent, you will the more 
want some mild and affectionate spirit to watch over and console you! one 
who [can,] by bearing your infirmities with gentleness and resignation, may 
teach you so to bear the evils of your fortune.

Faulkland	Julia, I have proved you to the quick! and with this useless 
device I throw away all my doubts. How shall I plead to be forgiven this 
last unworthy effect of my restless, unsatisfied disposition?

Julia	Has no such disaster happened as you related?

Faulkland	I am ashamed to own that it was pretended; yet in pity, Julia, do 
not kill me with resenting a fault which never can be repeated: but 
sealing, this once, my pardon, let me tomorrow, in the face of Heaven, 
receive my future guide and monitress, and expiate my past folly by years 
of tender adoration.

Julia	Hold, Faulkland! - that you are free from a crime, which I before 
feared to name, Heaven knows how sincerely I rejoice! These are tears of 
thankfulness for that! But that your cruel doubts should have urged you to 
an imposition that has wrung my heart, gives me now a pang more keen than I 
can express.

Faulkland	By Heavens! Julia

Julia	Yet hear me, - My father loved you, Faulkland! and you preserved the 
life that tender parent gave me; in his presence I pledged my hand - 
joyfully pledged it - where before I had given my heart. When, soon after, 
I lost that parent, it seemed to me that Providence had, in Faulkland, 
shown me whither to transfer without a pause, my grateful duty, as well as 
my affection; hence I have been content to bear from you what pride and 
delicacy would have forbid me from another. I will not upbraid you, by 
repeating how you have trifled with my sincerity

Faulkland	I confess it all! yet hear -

Julia	After such a year of trial, I might have flattered myself that I 
should not have been insulted with a new probation of my sincerity, as 
cruel as unnecessary! I now see it is not in your nature to be content or 
confident in love. With this conviction - I never will be yours. While I 
had hopes that my persevering attention, and unreproaching kindness, might 
in time reform your temper, I should have been happy to have gained a 
dearer influence over you; but I will not furnish you with a licensed power 
to keep alive an incorrigible fault, at the expense of one who never would 
contend with you.

Faulkland	Nay, but, Julia, by my soul and honour, if after this -

Julia	But one word more. - As my faith has once been given to you, I never 
will barter it with another. - I shall pray for your happiness with the 
truest sincerity; and the dearest blessing I can ask of Heaven to send you 
will be to charm you from that unhappy temper, which alone has prevented 
the performance of our solemn engagement. All I request of you is, that you 
will yourself reflect upon this infirmity, and when you number up the many 
true delights it has deprived you of, let it not be your least regret, that 
it lost you the love of one who would have followed you in beggary through 
the world!

Exit.

Faulkland	She's gone - for ever! - There was an awful resolution in her 
manner, that riveted me to my place. - O fool! - dolt! - barbarian! Cursed 
as I am, with more imperfections than my fellow-wretches, kind Fortune sent 
a heaven-gifted cherub to my aid, and, like a ruffian, I have driven her 
from my side! - I must now haste to my appointment. Well, my mind is tuned 
for such a scene. I shall wish only to become a principal in it, and 
reverse the tale my cursed folly put me upon forging here. - O Love! - 
tormentor! - fiend! - whose influence, like the moon's, acting on men of 
dull souls makes idiots of them, but meeting subtler spirits, betrays their 
course, and urges sensibility to madness!

Exit.

Enter LYDIA and MAID.

Maid	My mistress, ma'am, I know, was here just now - perhaps she is only in 
the next room.

Exit.

Lydia	Heigh-ho! Though he has used me so, this fellow runs strangely in my 
head. I believe one lecture from my grave cousin will make me recall him.

Re-enter JULIA.

O Julia, I have come to you with such an appetite for consolation. - Lud! 
child, what's the matter with you? You have been crying! - I'll be hanged 
if that Faulkland has not been tormenting you.

Julia	You mistake the cause of my uneasiness! - Something has flurried me a 
little. Nothing that you can guess at. - [Aside.] I would not accuse 
Faulkland to a sister!

Lydia	Ah! whatever vexations you may have, I can assure you mine surpass 
them. You know who Beverley proves to be?

Julia	I will now own to you, Lydia, that Mr. Faulkland had before informed 
me of the whole affair. Had young Absolute been the person you took him 
for, I should not have accepted your confidence on the subject, without a 
serious endeavour to counteract your caprice.

Lydia	So, then, I see I have been deceived by every one! But I don't care - 
I'll never have him.

Julia	Nay, Lydia

Lydia	Why, is it not provoking? when I thought we were coming to the 
prettiest distress imaginable, to find myself made a mere Smithfield 
bargain of at last! There, had I projected one of the most sentimental 
elopements! - so becoming a disguise! - so amiable a ladder of ropes! - 
Conscious moon - four horses - Scotch parson - with such surprise to Mrs 
Malaprop - and such paragraphs in the newspapers! - Oh, I shall die with 
disappointment!

Julia	I don't wonder at it!

Lydia	Now - sad reverse! - what have I to expect, but, after a deal of 
flimsy preparation, with a bishop's license, and my aunt's blessing, to go 
simpering up to the altar; or perhaps be cried three times in a country 
church, and have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every butcher 
in the parish to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish, spinster! Oh that I 
should live to hear myself called spinster!

Julia	Melancholy, indeed!

Lydia	How mortifying, to remember the dear delicious shifts I used to be 
put to, to gain half a minute's conversation with this fellow! How often 
have I stole forth, in the coldest night in January, and found him in the 
garden, stuck like a dripping statue! There would he kneel to me in the 
snow, and sneeze and cough so pathetically! he shivering with cold and I 
with apprehension! and while the freezing blast numbed our joints, how 
warmly would he press me to pity his flame, and glow with mutual ardour! - 
Ah, Julia, that was something like being in love.

Julia	If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing 
heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at present, 
earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with sincerity, 
suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too well caprice 
can inflict.

Lydia	O Lud! what has brought my aunt here?

Enter MRS. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.

Mrs Malaprop	So! so! here's fine work! - here's fine suicide, parricide, 
and simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to 
prevent the antistrophe!

Julia	For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this?

Mrs Malaprop	That gentleman can tell you - 'twas he enveloped the affair to 
me.

Lydia	[To FAG.] Do, sir, will you, inform us?

Fag	Ma'am, I should hold myself very deficient in every requisite that 
forms the man of breeding, if I delayed a moment to give all the 
information in my power to a lady so deeply interested in the affair as you 
are.

Lydia	But quick! quick, sir!

Fag	True, ma'am, as you say, one should be quick in divulging matters of 
this nature; for should we be tedious, perhaps while we are flourishing on 
the subject, two or three lives may be lost!

Lydia	O patience! - do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the 
matter?

Mrs Malaprop	Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's 
the matter! - but he can tell you the perpendiculars.

Lydia	Then, prithee, sir, be brief.

Fag	Why, then, ma'am, as to murder - I cannot take upon me to say - and as 
to slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it.

Lydia	But who, sir - who are engaged in this?

Fag	Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry 
anything was to happen to - a very pretty behaved gentleman! We have lived 
much together, and always on terms.

Lydia	But who is this? who? who? who?

Fag	My master, ma'am - my master - I speak of my master.

Lydia	Heavens! What, Captain Absolute!

Mrs Malaprop	Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now!

Julia	But who are with him, sir?

Fag	As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I?

Julia	[To DAVID.] Do speak, friend.

David	Look'ee, my lady - by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks 
don't use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines, 
fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers beside! 
- This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour.

Julia	But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend?

David	My poor master - under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, 
my lady - I am David - and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres. 
Then comes Squire Faulkland.

Julia	Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.

Mrs Malaprop	O fy! it would be very inelegant in us: - we should only 
participate things.

David	Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives - they are desperately given, 
believe me. - Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius 
O'Trigger.

Mrs Malaprop	Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little 
dear Sir Lucius into the scrape? Why how you stand, girl! you have no more 
feeling than one of the Derbyshire petrifactions!

Lydia	What are we to do, madam?

Mrs Malaprop	Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent 
mischief! - Here, friend, you can show us the place?

Fag	If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you. - David, do you look for Sir 
Anthony.

Exit DAVID.

Mrs Malaprop	Come, girls! this gentleman will exhort us. - Come, sir, 
you're our envoy - lead the way, and we'll precede.

Fag	Not a step before the ladies for the world!

Mrs Malaprop	You're sure you know the spot?

Fag	I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the 
report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss them; - never 
fear, ma'am, never fear.

Exeunt, he talking.



Scene 2: The South Parade.

Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under his great-coat.

Absolute	A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm 
as a mad dog. - How provoking this is in Faulkland! - never punctual! I 
shall be obliged to go without him at last. - Oh, the devil! here's Sir 
Anthony! how shall I escape him?

Muffles up his face, and takes a circle to go off.

Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.

Sir Anthony	How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see 
he don't know me, I could have sworn that was Jack! - Hey! Gad's life! it 
is. - Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey - sure I'm right. Why, Jack, 
Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]

Absolute	Really, sir, you have the advantage of me: - I don't remember ever 
to have had the honour - my name is Saunderson, at your service.

Sir Anthony	Sir, I beg your pardon - I took you - hey? - why, zounds! it is 
- Stay - [Looks up to his face.] So, so - your humble servant, Mr. 
Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?

Absolute	Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, 
sir.

Sir Anthony	You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky: - but what are you 
muffled up so for? - what's this for? - hey?

Absolute	'Tis cool, sir, isn't it? - rather chilly somehow: - but I shall 
be late - I have a particular engagement.

Sir Anthony	Stay! - Why, I thought you were looking for me? - Pray, Jack, 
where is't you are going?

Absolute	Going, sir?

Sir Anthony	Ay, where are you going?

Absolute	Where am I going?

Sir Anthony	You unmannerly puppy!

Absolute	I was going, sir, to - to - to - to Lydia - sir, to Lydia - to 
make matters up if I could; and I was looking for you, sir, to - to -

Sir Anthony	To go with you, I suppose. - Well, come along.

Absolute	Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world! - I wished to meet with 
you, sir, - to - to - to - You find it cool, I'm sure, sir - you'd better 
not stay out.

Sir Anthony	Cool! - not at all. - Well, Jack - and what will you say to 
Lydia?

Absolute	Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her - promise and vow: but I 
detain you, sir - consider the cold air on your gout.

Sir Anthony	Oh, not at all! - not at all! I'm in no hurry. - Ah! Jack, you 
youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to CAPTAIN 
ABSOLUTE s breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?

Absolute	Nothing, sir - nothing.

Sir Anthony	What's this? - here's something damned hard.

Absolute	Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets! - a bauble for Lydia.

Sir Anthony	Nay, let me see your taste. - [Pulls his coat open, the sword 
falls.] Trinkets! a bauble for Lydia! - Zounds! sirrah, you are not going 
to cut her throat, are you?

Absolute	Ha! ha! ha! - I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't 
mean to tell you till afterwards.

Sir Anthony	You didn't? - Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!

Absolute	Sir, I'll explain to you. - You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, 
devilish romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she 
refuses to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear - I'll fall upon 
its point, and expire at her feet!

Sir Anthony	Fall upon a fiddlestick's end! - why, I suppose it is the very 
thing that would please her. - Get along, you fool!

Absolute	Well, sir, you shall hear of my success - you shall hear. - O 
Lydia! - forgive me, or this pointed steel - says I.

Sir Anthony	O, booby! stay away and welcome - says she. - Get along! and 
damn your trinkets!

Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Enter DAVID, running.

David	Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire! - Stop fire! Stop fire! - O 
Sir Anthony - call! call! bid'm stop! Murder! Fire!

Sir Anthony	Fire! Murder! - Where?

David	Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath for my part! O Sir 
Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?

Sir Anthony	Zounds! the fellow's mad! - Stop whom? stop Jack?

David	Ay, the captain, sir! - there's murder and slaughter -

Sir Anthony	Murder!

David	Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts 
of slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on, sir - 
bloody sword-and-gun fighting!

Sir Anthony	Who are going to fight, dunce?

David	Everybody that I know of, Sir Anthony: - everybody is going to fight, 
my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain -

Sir Anthony	Oh, the dog! I see his tricks. - Do you know the place?

David	King's-Mead-Fields.

Sir Anthony	You know the way?

David	Not an inch; but I'll call the mayor - aldermen - constables - 
churchwardens - and beadles - we can't be too many to part them.

Sir Anthony	Come along - give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we 
go - the lying villain! - Well, I shall be in such a frenzy! - So - this 
was the history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him!

Exeunt.



Scene 3: King's-Mead-Fields.

Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.

Acres	By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds 
levels and aims! - I say it is a good distance.

Sir Lucius	Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. 
Acres, you must leave those things to me. - Stay now - I'll show you. - 
[Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance 
- a pretty gentleman's distance.

Acres	Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir 
Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir Lucius	Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was 
out of sight!

Acres	No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight and thirty yards -

Sir Lucius	Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of 
your pistols is as good as a mile.

Acres	Odds bullets, no! - by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so 
near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot - a long 
shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me.

Sir Lucius	Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that. - But tell 
me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or 
commission I could execute for you?

Acres	I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius, but I don't understand -

Sir Lucius	Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little 
risk - and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it - I say it 
will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.

Acres	A quietus!

Sir Lucius	For instance, now - if that should be the case - would you 
choose to be pickled and sent home? - or would it be the same to you to lie 
here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.

Acres	Pickled! - Snug lying in the Abbey! - Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't 
talk so!

Sir Lucius	I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of 
this kind before?

Acres	No, Sir Lucius, never before.

Sir Lucius	Ah! that's a pity! - there's nothing like being used to a thing. 
Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

Acres	Odds files! - I've practised that - there, Sir Lucius - there. [Puts 
himself in an attitude.] A side-front hey? Odd! I'll make myself small 
enough? I'll stand edgeways.

Sir Lucius	Now - you're quite out - for if you stand so when I take my aim 
- [Levelling at him.]

Acres	Zounds! Sir Lucius - are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir Lucius	Never fear.

Acres	But - but - you don't know - it may go off of its own head!

Sir Lucius	Pho! be easy. - Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet 
has a double chance - for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 
'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left!

Acres	A vital part.

Sir Lucius	But, there - fix yourself so - [Placing him] let him see the 
broad-side of your full front - there - now a ball or two may pass clean 
through your body, and never do any harm at all.

Acres	Clean through me! - a ball or two clean through me!

Sir Lucius	Ay - may they - and it is much the genteelest attitude into the 
bargain.

Acres	Look'ee! Sir Lucius - I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture 
as a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.

Sir Lucius	[Looktng at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint us - 
Hah! - no, faith - I think I see them coming.

Acres	Hey! - what! - coming!

Sir Lucius	Ay. - Who are those yonder getting over the -

Acres	There are two of them indeed! - well, let them come - hey, Sir 
Lucius! - we - we - we - we - won't run.

Sir Lucius	Run!

Acres	No - I say - we won't run, by my valour!

Sir Lucius	What the devil's the matter with you?

Acres	Nothing - nothing - my dear friend - my dear Sir Lucius - but I - I - 
I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as -

Sir Lucius	O fy! - consider your honour.

Acres	Ay - true - my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every 
now and then about my honour.

Sir Lucius	Well, here they're coming. [Looking]

Acres	Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was 
afraid. - If my valour should leave me! Valour will come and go.

Sir Lucius	Then pray keep it fast, while you have't.

Acres	Sir Lucius - I doubt it is going - yes - my valour is certainly 
going! - it is sneaking off! - I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms 
of my hands!

Sir Lucius	Your honour - your honour. - Here they are.

Acres	O mercy! - now - that I was safe at Clod Hall! or could be shot 
before I was aware!

Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Sir Lucius	Gentlemen, your most obedient. - Hah! - what, Captain Absolute! 
- So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself - to do a kind 
office, first for your friend - then to proceed to business on your own 
account.

Acres	What, Jack! - my dear Jack! - my dear friend!

Absolute	Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.

Sir Lucius	Well, Mr. Acres - I don't blame your saluting the gentleman 
civilly. - [To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your weapons, 
the captain and I will measure the ground.

Faulkland	My weapons, sir!

Acres	Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these 
are my particular friends.

Sir Lucius	What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?

Faulkland	Not I, upon my word, sir.

Sir Lucius	Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, 
as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so 
cantankerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.

Absolute	O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.

Faulkland	Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter -

Acres	No, no, Mr. Faulkland; - I'll bear my disappointment like a 
Christian. - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to 
fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.

Sir Lucius	Observe me, Mr. Acres - I must not be trifled with. You have 
certainly challenged somebody - and you came here to fight him. Now, if 
that gentleman is willing to represent him - I can't see, for my soul, why 
it isn't just the same thing.

Acres	Why no - Sir Lucius - I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged - 
a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! - if he were here, I'd make 
him give up his pretensions directly!

Absolute	Hold, Bob - let me set you right - there is no such man as 
Beverley in the case. - The person who assumed that name is before you; and 
as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support 
them in whatever way you please.

Sir Lucius	Well, this is lucky. - Now you have an opportunity -

Acres	What, quarrel with my dear friend, Jack Absolute? - not if he were 
fifty Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.

Sir Lucius	Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a 
vengeance!

Acres	Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with 
all my heart - and if you should get a quietus, you may command me 
entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and 
send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the 
greatest pleasure.

Sir Lucius	Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.

Acres	Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my 
valour!

Sir Lucius	Well, sir?

Acres	Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word coward - coward may 
be said in joke. - But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and 
balls

Sir Lucius	Well, sir?

Acres	I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.

Sir Lucius	Pho! you are beneath my notice.

Absolute	Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second than my friend 
Acres. - He is a most determined dog - called in the country, Fighting Bob. 
- He generally kills a man a week - don't you, Bob?

Acres	Ay - at home!

Sir Lucius	Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin - so come out, my little 
counsellor - [Draws his swuord] - and ask the gentleman, whether he will 
resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him?

Absolute	Come on then, sir - [Draws]; since you won't let it be an amicable 
suit, here's my reply.

Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAVID, MRS. MALAPROP, LYDIA, and JULIA.

David	Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in 
particular; and bind his hands over to their good behaviour!

Sir Anthony	Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy - how came you 
in a duel, sir?

Absolute	Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he 
called on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty.

Sir Anthony	Here's a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man's 
throat, and he tells me he serves his majesty! - Zounds! sirrah, then how 
durst you draw the king's sword against one of his subjects?

Absolute	Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining 
his reasons.

Sir Anthony	Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining 
your reasons?

Sir Lucius	Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not 
brook.

Sir Anthony	Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner 
which his honour could not brook?

Mrs Malaprop	Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies - Captain 
Absolute, come here - How could you intimidate us so? - Here's Lydia has 
been terrified to death for you.

Absolute	For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?

Mrs Malaprop	Nay, no delusions to the past - Lydia is convinced; speak, 
child.

Sir Lucius	With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word, here: I believe I 
could interpret the young lady's silence. Now mark -

Lydia	What is it you mean, sir?

Sir Lucius	Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now - this is no time for 
trifling.

Lydia	'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my 
hand, and solicit the return of his affections.

Absolute	O! my little angel, say you so? - Sir Lucius, I perceive there 
must be some mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I 
have given you. I can only say that it could not have been intentional. And 
as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real injury - 
you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency - I 
ask your pardon. - But for this lady, while honoured with her approbation, 
I will support my claim against any man whatever.

Sir Anthony	Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.

Acres	Mind, I give up all my claim - I make no pretensions to anything in 
the world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my 
valour! I'll live a bachelor.

Sir Lucius	Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged 
becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own 
handwriting, here - [Takes out letters.]

Mrs Malaprop	O, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir Lucius, perhaps there's 
some mistake - perhaps I can illuminate -

Sir Lucius	Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no 
business. - Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?

Lydia	Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not.

Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.

Mrs Malaprop	Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you are - I own the soft 
impeachment - pardon my blushes, I am Delia.

Sir Lucius	You Delia - pho! pho! be easy.

Mrs Malaprop	Why, thou barbarous vandyke - those letters are mine. - When 
you are more sensible of my benignity - perhaps I may be brought to 
encourage your addresses.

Sir Lucius	Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; 
and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to 
you. - And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you 
have taken that lady from me; I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.

Absolute	I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend, 
Fighting Bob, unprovided for.

Sir Lucius	Hah! little Valour - here, will you make your fortune?

Acres	Odds wrinkles! No. - But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and 
forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob 
Acres is a dunce, that's all.

Sir Anthony	Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down - you are in your bloom 
yet.

Mrs Malaprop	O Sir Anthony - men are all barbarians.

All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.

Julia	[Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy - not sullen; there was some 
foundation, however, for the tale he told me - O woman! how true should be 
your judgment, when your resolution is so weak!

Faulkland	Julia! - how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not 
presume - yet Hope is the child of Penitence.

Julia	Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment 
of me than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart 
honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be 
ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours.

Faulkland	Now I shall be blest indeed.

Sir Anthony	[Coming forward.] What's going on here? - So you have been 
quarrelling too, I warrant? Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let 
me have a hand in the matter at last. - All the faults I have ever seen in 
my friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and 
warmth of his affection for you. - There, marry him directly, Julia; you'll 
find he'll mend surprisingly!

The rest come forward.

Sir Lucius	Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is 
content; for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I 
have not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better.

Acres	You are right, Sir Lucius. - So, Jack, I wish you joy. - Mr. 
Faulkland the same. - Ladies, - come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor 
angry, odds tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour to the 
New Rooms - and I insist on your all meeting me there.

Sir Anthony	'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will 
drink a health to the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. Malaprop.

Faulkland	Our partners are stolen from us, Jack - I hope to be 
congratulated by each other - yours for having checked in time the errors 
of an ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent 
heart; and mine, for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the 
unhappy temper of one, who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and 
tortured the heart he ought to have adored.

Absolute	Well, Jack, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets 
of love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter cup 
for yourself, while I -

Lydia	Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty. - But come, no 
more of that - our happiness is now as unalloyed as general.

Julia	Then let us study to preserve it so: and while Hope pictures to us a 
flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours 
which are too bright to be lasting. - When hearts deserving happiness would 
untie their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading garland of 
modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force the gaudier 
rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends them when its leaves are dropped!

Exeunt omnes.



Epilogue

By The Author

Spoken by Mrs Bulkley

Ladies for you - I heard our poet say -
He'd try to coax some moral from his play:
"One moral's plain" - cried I - "without more fuss;
Man's social happiness all rests on us:
Through all the drama - whether damned or not -
Love gilds the scene, and women guide the plot.
From every rank, obedience is our due -
D'ye doubt? - the world's great stage shall prove it true."
	The cit - well skilled to shun domestic strife -
Will sup abroad; but first he'll ask his wife:
John Trot, his friend, for once, will do the same,
But then - he'll just "step home to tell my dame."
	The surly squire at noon resolves to rule,
And half the day - "Zounds! Madam is a fool!"
Convinced at night - the vanquished victor says,
"Ah! Kate! you women have such coaxing ways!"
	The jolly toper chides each tardy blade,
Till reeling Bacchus calls on love for aid:
Then with each toast, he sees fair bumpers swim,
And kisses Chloe on the sparkling brim!
	Nay, I have heard that statesmen - great and wise -
Will sometimes counsel with a lady's eyes!
The servile suitors watch her various face,
She smiles preferment, or she frowns disgrace,
Curtsies a pension here - there nods a place.
	Nor with less awe, in scenes of humbler life,
Is viewed the mistress, or is heard the wife.
The poorest peasant of the poorest soil,
The child of poverty, and heir to toil,
Early from radiant Love's impartial light,
Steals one small spark, to cheer this world of night:
Dear spark! that oft through winter's chilling woes
Is all the warmth his little cottage knows!
	The wand'ring tar - who, not for years, has pressed
The widowed partner of his day of rest,
On the cold deck, far from her arms removed,
Still hums the ditty which his Susan loved;
And while around the cadence rude is blown,
The boatswain whistles in a softer tone.
	The soldier, fairly proud of wounds and toil,
Pants for the triumph of his Nancy's smile;
But ere the battle should he list her cries,
The lover trembles - and the hero dies!
That heart, by war and honour steeled to fear,
Droops on a sigh, and sickens at a tear!
	But ye more cautious, ye nice-judging few,
Who give to beauty only beauty's due,
Though friends to love - ye view with deep regret
Our conquests marred, our triumphs incomplete,
Till polished wit more lasting charms disclose,
And judgment fix the darts which beauty throws!
In female breasts did sense and merit rule,
The lover's mind would ask no other school;
Shamed into sense, the scholars of our eyes,
Our beaux from gallantry would soon be wise;
Would gladly light, their homage to improve,
The lamp of knowledge at the torch of love!